Advice needed: how to shut up.

Cyan, we are all different in our own ways, however, emotions are the path to the dark side.

Hitira38 wrote: Cyan, we are all different in our own ways, however, emotions are the path to the dark side.

Be mindful of the force that surrounds you.

Hitira38 wrote: Cyan, we are all different in our own ways, however, emotions are the path to the dark side.

To disconnect ourselves from our emotions I'm not sure is particularly sensible... love, compassion, even anger can be useful... it is from not being able to control our emotions that can create us problems.

Surly you understand why you acted the way you did. With this in mind it is important to move past it, one shouldn't dwell on the past for too long.

Edan wrote:

Hitira38 wrote: Cyan, we are all different in our own ways, however, emotions are the path to the dark side.

To disconnect ourselves from our emotions I'm not sure is particularly sensible... love, compassion, even anger can be useful... it is from not being able to control our emotions that can create us problems.

Agreed - suppressing emotions in general is never a solution. Recognizing emotions before they take over and then deciding wether to let them or not is what I'm trying to master.

Hitira38 wrote: Surly you understand why you acted the way you did. With this in mind it is important to move past it, one shouldn't dwell on the past for too long.

Yes - the past doesn't exist, just as the future doesn't exist. Coming to this realization (which isn't an easy thing to achieve) is the way to happiness.

Just stop talking. Pause, wait, pause, wait....practice this. There is no magic. You can do this when you decide too. Decide.

or and I so dislike quoting the movie...do or do not do there is no try.

Angry is a reaction to a threat. People who get angry easily are usually very insecure (sorry). To change this you need to figure out what your core values are and change them to something that can't be threatened.

Examples of bad core values are valuing your wealth. People who value wealth fly off the handle at anything that threatens it. Other examples are religion, popularity, your attractiveness, being the smartest person in the room. Some people base their lives of off these things and they can all easily be threaten.

Good examples are self-improvement, courage, integrity, being really nice. These are things that nobody can ever take away from you. This will take some work. Meditation helps a lot with being able to truly understand were your thoughts and actions come from.

I avoid getting angry like the plague because when you let someone else make you angry you're giving them control over you and they're winning by doing it. Successful, powerful and happy people rarely ever get angry.

You mentioned that you rarely get upset in the classroom, but can in social situations. This is a classic example of when you are in control of the situation you don’t have issues. As an instructor both in the military and corporate world I know that in a classroom setting, even when I don’t actively think about it, my brain reasons out my response to give the students what they need to further their training.

In social situations, that goal is not in mind and it is harder to be aware of what our response will or should be. A simple thing I sometimes do is turn away and cough into my elbow. It is innocuous, and insinuates neither aggression nor weakness. It also gives you a few socially acceptable seconds to “recover” from your cough and assess your response and calm your mind. Sometimes that may be all that is needed to temper your response.

MTFBWY

OwenShea wrote: You mentioned that you rarely get upset in the classroom, but can in social situations. This is a classic example of when you are in control of the situation you don’t have issues. As an instructor both in the military and corporate world I know that in a classroom setting, even when I don’t actively think about it, my brain reasons out my response to give the students what they need to further their training.

In social situations, that goal is not in mind and it is harder to be aware of what our response will or should be. A simple thing I sometimes do is turn away and cough into my elbow. It is innocuous, and insinuates neither aggression nor weakness. It also gives you a few socially acceptable seconds to “recover” from your cough and assess your response and calm your mind. Sometimes that may be all that is needed to temper your response.

MTFBWY

I think you're spot on about this. I think that I don't act impulsively in the classroom because:

- I'm the center of attention. If I explode, 22 other people will notice -> social pressure
- I know what I'm doing -> knowledge. I'm not insecure
- I'm the authority in the classroom

I know from some of my colleagues that losing any of these three (and it's in the nature of students to actively try to undermine all three of these, believe me will eventually lead to your losing your temper and / or to burn-out.

To apply this to other social situations: I do lose my temper because of insecurity (lack of knowledge), because I feel that one-upmanship is beneficial (and it never is), because I don't have authority (fear). I've been actively working on this / practising responses, both in a controlled environment (meditation) and in non-explosive social situations. And I have to say, things have improved. I feel slightly more in control of my emotional responses now - but realise that I have a long way ahead of me.

Coughing in your sleeve sounds like an excellent way of gaining time to think - I could definitely see myself trying this next time.

Vesha wrote: Angry is a reaction to a threat. People who get angry easily are usually very insecure (sorry).

no need to apologize - it is what it is!

Cyan Sarden wrote: So here's the question: how do I go about it? How do I stop myself from a) talking too much and b) saying things that hurt people? Have others here dealt with this issue?
Cyan

This is so beautiful. Thank you for this and for asking for assistance. That is a wonderful step in the correct direction.

Some tips and tools are:
1. Pause - just pause when you can. Focus on listening. Ponder more. Reflect on what was just said. Repeat what was just said so you show the other person that you are listening.
2. "Stop and Reset" - every chance you get to practice this, do it. As soon as you feel these things coming up for you - Stop. Stop it. Say, "Stop". Say, "I need to stop right now and reset". Then pause. breath at least three times. Let the emotions settle down and your judgements to wash away. From this clear space - speak.
3. Meditate more. start and end your day. Affirm your plans for the day. Affirm how you want to be - today. Take as many breaks as you need to meditate. focus on being Calm, Cool, and Collected. Visualize yourself in challenging situations being the person that you want to be - the person that you are under all of this. Reset your mental patterns. Fill your thoughts of affirmations of how you want to be. Replace old patterns with new healthy ones.

Practice Listening to understand first. Draw the person out and learn as much as you can before formulating your thoughts.

baru wrote: Some tips and tools are:
1. Pause - just pause when you can. Focus on listening. Ponder more. Reflect on what was just said. Repeat what was just said so you show the other person that you are listening.
2. "Stop and Reset" - every chance you get to practice this, do it. As soon as you feel these things coming up for you - Stop. Stop it. Say, "Stop". Say, "I need to stop right now and reset". Then pause. breath at least three times. Let the emotions settle down and your judgements to wash away. From this clear space - speak.
3. Meditate more. start and end your day. Affirm your plans for the day. Affirm how you want to be - today. Take as many breaks as you need to meditate. focus on being Calm, Cool, and Collected. Visualize yourself in challenging situations being the person that you want to be - the person that you are under all of this. Reset your mental patterns. Fill your thoughts of affirmations of how you want to be. Replace old patterns with new healthy ones.

Thank you - I've been adding self-conditioning phrases and mantras to my meditation practice. I regularly do metta meditation, and I will add CCC (good one to remember) to my routine.

Making a point to take time to think before saying something I'd later regret has really helped me. I'm still developing the ideal strategy to go about this without looking weird, but I have to say that just contemplating the advice people here have given me has led to my not getting into any kind of confrontational situation over the last few weeks. Although I had an enormous amount of stress at work, I somehow managed to stay calm.