Advice needed: how to shut up.

I'm a hothead - there, I said it. I talk too much and sometimes what I say hurts people. My mouth gets me in trouble (not legal trouble, but rather social trouble with my co-workers, my parents etc.). I'm not a violent person - I don't physically hurt anyone - in that sense, I have myself under control rather well - but the verbal part is bad enough. For as long as I can remember, I've been wanting to change this particular character trait.

So here's the question: how do I go about it? How do I stop myself from a) talking too much and b) saying things that hurt people? Have others here dealt with this issue?

Cyan

Hot head here too.

Violence is still violence even if its not physical, and in my opinion people who are able to use language to hurt others have the potential to cause a lot more damage than if you just punched someone.

In an immediate sense. I've taken to isolating myself, or cutting off ways to communicate with people I find triggering so that the impulse has more time to dissipate.

Longer term. Understanding WHY the tendency to speak without thought for the consequences is helpful. Ie, explore why you're angry and aggressive.

Brenna wrote: Hot head here too.

I seriously thanked the OP just because I know how that feels.

Violence is still violence even if its not physical, and in my opinion people who are able to use language to hurt others have the potential to cause a lot more damage than if you just punched someone.

This is very, very true. My mother used to think I was a terrible, horrible person when I told her the reason I didn't get into more fights at school was that "broken noses heal; broken pride is forever."

In an immediate sense. I've taken to isolating myself, or cutting off ways to communicate with people I find triggering so that the impulse has more time to dissipate.

I walk away. Sometimes with my fist in my mouth, or my eyes closed, or my fists clenched so hard my nails cut into my palms, but I walk away. It becomes problematic when people want to follow me, but otherwise, it gives me a chance to cool off. That "count to ten" stuff doesn't help me, personally (it seems arbitrary, and therefore, makes me more angry), but it does give me time to order my thoughts.

Longer term. Understanding WHY the tendency to speak without thought for the consequences is helpful. Ie, explore why you're angry and aggressive.

Some of us are just built this way. One of the most disarming things I've discovered, though, is the ability to express why you're angry in the moment. If you can spit it out coherently, even at a yell, it has a habit of slapping both parties in the face just long enough for the rational mind to take the reins from reaction.

steamboat28 wrote: Some of us are just built this way.

Are we? Shall we try re-frame this? :silly:

Brenna wrote: Are we? Shall we try re-frame this? :silly:

All I'm saying is that I've done a lot of soul-searching on what it means to be me during the course of my life, and I keep coming back to the same conclusion--some of us are just meant to be a-holes sometimes. And I think we should accept that truth. :whistle: :evil: :laugh:

That does not, however, excuse such behavior when it's done to hurt others, and that's where this thread comes in, I think. Because, really, in mastering our temper, we're exerting control of a tool that can cut people down as easily as build them up. We need to be careful how we use it.

I try to be sensitive to the fact that all people have feelings and are special and important in their own way. This way I can have empathy for them. Due to having more empathy I am averse to hurting others, even if they say something hurtful to me.

Why do we act out? Why do we feel the urge to argue, go on defense, complain, moan, etc?

Well... How well do you know your ego?

Can you explore your own conditioning, growing up and what it has influenced in you?

Part of our behavior may also be the chemical make-up of our brains, and how they are wired.

But even that may bend and shape to exposure to different experiences, and thoughts.

It may be a matter of "learning to move the pinky toe" (or one eyebrow at a time) per sey.

Weak perception muscles - sloppy action taking place among them maybe... Can you let go of what you think your thoughts mean? Can you let go of the notion that they mean anything? Can you exercise your will from investing in your own opinion, predictions, assumptions, fears and worries?

The cure to lashing out = http://www.thersa.org/events/video/vision-videos/the-power-of-vulnerability

steamboat28 wrote:
That does not, however, excuse such behavior when it's done to hurt others, and that's where this thread comes in, I think. Because, really, in mastering our temper, we're exerting control of a tool that can cut people down as easily as build them up.

Yeah - that's the thing. So how does one go about it? Walking away from a situation that has the potential to go nuclear is one thing - I do that. But the situations when I tend to do most harm are not the explosive ones - it's more of a subliminal thing. I might be angry or unhappy about a situation and then say something stupid that'll hurt the other person. Or I simply talk too much in a normal situation without thinking. Both of that bothers me because I'm in a field of work where diplomacy is necessary. I deal with the problems of young people on a daily basis - I do coaching sessions etc. and I very rarely get really angry in the classroom - in these situations I have myself under control. It's in casual social contact that things often go bad so I'm looking for practical advice - are there strategies to apply in order to avoid such behavior (other than avoiding social contact altogether, that is?)

Cyan

Talk less, listen more...

When something "silly" (stupid?) is said, just take a deep breath and ask

"is this intentional?"

-If it is, well letting them make you made gives them the power to.make you look bad...
-If it is not, well, perhaps you can helpnthis petson to learn something today...

Just some advice....

If there was a quick fix, many of us would be happy, lol...

Jestor wrote: Talk less, listen more...

When something "silly" (stupid?) is said, just take a deep breath and ask

"is this intentional?"

-If it is, well letting them make you made gives them the power to.make you look bad...
-If it is not, well, perhaps you can helpnthis petson to learn something today...

Just some advice....

Thank you, it's very much appreciated. I'll meditate on this

I had the same problem . What helped me were two simple things .

First, anger leads to the dark side . The fact is that when we are angry we mow us to the consequences of our actions . This leads to the second thing .

In general we act , think and feel. The correct thing to think, feel, and then act. Then think , " say it will add something ?" Feel " how the other person will feel if I say that? " and with these two answers act . It is common after thinking all this, his anger has passed.

MrBruno wrote: I had the same problem . What helped me were two simple things .

First, anger leads to the dark side . The fact is that when we are angry we mow us to the consequences of our actions . This leads to the second thing .

In general we act , think and feel. The correct thing to think, feel, and then act. Then think , " say it will add something ?" Feel " how the other person will feel if I say that? " and with these two answers act . It is common after thinking all this, his anger has passed.

Let's stop treating anger like it's a cardinal sin, because it's not. Anger can often be a motivating force in our lives to change it for the better, anger by itself is not the problem, it's unchecked anger.

Discipline makes a huge difference in controlling one's anger, or emotional outbursts. The problem therein is few view it as something worthwhile, because for the most part it requires real effort and work. Most people are lazy, and have no interest in investing time for themselves on a daily basis.

I have found Asana yoga, as described by Michael W. Ford to be a huge benifit in helping to control the mindscape, it however like a lot of other things worthwhile requires daily practice, how much do you wish to prevent those emotional outbursts?

Former Angry-Young-Man here. As it turned out, there were lots of reasons why I was that way. In this emotional circumstance: knowledge is power; that is, knowing the sources and causes gives one power over the responses. So, an introspective investigation into the causes of anger is a good place to start.
Ask: "What kinds of things make me angry?"
Later ask: "Why did that make me angry?"

Discern the differences in the distinct kinds of emotions, in other words, develop an emotional vocabulary. Is it anger? Righteous indignation? Contempt? Fear? Sorrow? Hurt pride? As your emotional vocabulary increases you better understand the causes. Once this vocabulary is learned you can better control your response.

Look for commonalities among the emotional effects: Whenever this happens I feel this way. For example, is the cause of this emotional reaction a wound to your pride or is the anger really hurt feelings? Is this anger a habitual response based upon some incident in my past?

Another introspective strategy is to make a mental list the battles you want to fight. Sometimes you just feel it and say or do nothing. Other times, (after you have consulted your mental list) you may want to say something regarding your emotional vocabulary (about what you are feeling):
"That statement hurt my feelings."
"When you say that I feel very unimportant."
"I believe it unethical to say that..."
Remember, the response you make is about your feelings. The response is not a verbal attack on the speaker of the injustice, her/his insensitivity, stupidity, illogic, ignorance, etc. The response is about your feelings, you say: IFBI - I Feel, your Behavior (words actions) has this Impact on me.

Cyan Sarden wrote: Or I simply talk too much in a normal situation without thinking. Both of that bothers me because I'm in a field of work where diplomacy is necessary.

Are you familiar with Gulliver's Travels? In Book IV, Gulliver meets an odd race of sentient horses (Houyhnhnms) that have established a utopia based on reason and mutual respect. I won't say anything more, lest there be folks who're interested in one of the parts generally left out of adaptations, but the Houyhnhnms do have one very interesting custom worth speaking of here: when two of them meet, they both share a moment of silence, so both have a chance to contemplate exactly what they're going to say.

This is an amazing strategy when one is in such a mood that whatever may come flying out of your mouth is likely to be wholly inappropriate. I'm still trying to get the hang of it myself (and I started about fifteen years ago...), but when I remember to spend a moment in silence first, I usually come out okay.

Alan and steamboat28 - thank you both for your posts. You've given me a lot to work with - I greatly appreciate that.

I have put my foot in my mouth more times than I can remember. When I was young my father fixed that with the back of his hand. As a young adult I alienated myself and a lot of people, some for many many years.

I practice the pause...try sitting and listening to people, sit there quietly and not say anything, in fairly low stress situations. This helps me with my rest/pause/relax/think before engaging my mouth response.

I find mental imagery and rehearsal helps me prepare for more challenging situations. Your the better person if you don't rise to the occasion.

I'm still human and still screw up. I do the best I can, that's all I can do. Quite honestly sometimes, rarely, it just needs to come out! O well.

This echos in my mind and helps keep me in check too....

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

When tempted to loose off, I ask myself what exactly would be served by letting this comment past my teeth.

If the answer is "Nothing positive", then I close my teeth (sometimes needing to grit them fairly tightly!) and keep the comment behind them until the urge fades.

Usually the slight pause involved provides time to consider letting a more productive comment escape through the teeth.

And sometimes, no comment at all is best, so I simply show off my teeth in a sweet smile.

Often this annoys the other person even more than the comment would have done..... :whistle:

Cyan Sarden wrote: I'm a hothead - there, I said it. I talk too much and sometimes what I say hurts people. My mouth gets me in trouble (not legal trouble, but rather social trouble with my co-workers, my parents etc.). I'm not a violent person - I don't physically hurt anyone - in that sense, I have myself under control rather well - but the verbal part is bad enough. For as long as I can remember, I've been wanting to change this particular character trait.

So here's the question: how do I go about it? How do I stop myself from a) talking too much and b) saying things that hurt people? Have others here dealt with this issue?

Cyan

Step 1: Understand your own situation:

Confront yourself, ask yourself: Why do I do it? Possible to find out what kind of person you are first, the next step is a simple way of doing, find an animal stereotype.
- Link with Stereotypes of animal
- Link with Stereotypes of animal, dutch site use google translate!


My personal animal type is an owl -,-
Owl: wise, shy, don`t like to travel, intuitive, lazy and old, and in medieval times, witchcraft
(REMEMBER IT IS A STEREOTYPE, pure forces will ''never'' exist in a dual world)

________________________________________________________

Step 2: Translate your own situation
Example:
Situation: ,,My sister walks in my room without permission.''

- Feeling, what could the stereotype do in my situation?
- Reacting, what shall the stereotype do in my situation?
- Understanding, what should the stereotype do in my situation?


Feeling: the owl could do:

-The owl hides from his sister
-The owl will fly awy from his sister
-The owl is scared to death becouse of his sister
-The owl becomes agressive to his sister

Reacting: the owl should do:

- Very silent and shy, in a corner. Moving out with some wise words but still feeling of distrust

Understanding: what should the stereotype do in my situation?

- The owl should be less shy but not fully active.

________________________________________________________

Step 3: Repeat this exercise, with a situation that is relevant to your situation. Change from situation whenever you wish, try to use different stereotypes along the go. Some of the most common stereotypes are:

Owl, sheep, goat, dog, lion, donkey, monkey and snake.
________________________________________________________


This exercise is good if: You want to understand how other people act or react. And how you can, want or shall react. It is not a cure, but it is a tool for better understanding of your surroundings. The side effect is that this exercise can help you to understand people`s body language, always handy!

May the force be with you,

Aqua

I'd like to take a different approach here...

When I was a kid, I was walking with a friend of mine down the street. This boy from the next street, who was not liked, walked by with his head down. His cloths were disheveled and he generally looked dorky.

I turned to my friend and made a rude comment about the boy.

My friend turned to me and asked..."How do you know we don't think the same about you?"

The point here is simple...He who is without sin, cast the first stone!

I like to remind myself that I don't have a remote camera watching me and showing me how poorly I can act. I wonder what the others around me will think when I say what I would say. And I remind myself...What are they saying about me, and would I appreciate it.

Along with the comment about letting them know your a fool, Smile and make them wonder what your thinking!