Why are we so afraid of conflict?

Why is there such a fear of conflict? Why are we so afraid to confront each other with conflicts or significant differences in opinions.

Very often instead of dealing with the conflict, the first response is to end a relationship whether personal, professional, social, political or otherwise. Unfortunately, this response is typical. At all levels of associations people tend to bury conflict. They hide it. They ignore it. They pretend it isn’t conflict. They lie about it. If it gets really bad, they raise the stakes and take actions that simply remove the possibility of the conflict emerging again. Anything but confronting it head on (like, for example, having a candid conversation with a member here about how his or her behavior is upsetting others).

It is true, of course, that everyone has had experiences of being in conflict where the situation got uncomfortable, tense, maybe even painful and frustrating. May be thats why we`re so quick to run the other way. But remember” just because conflict has been unpleasant, doesn’t mean it always will be. Conflict is a natural part of every single human system, so instead of trying to avoid it (which is impossible), how about learning how to deal with it more effectively?

When conflict is avoided, the real issues never get out on the table. A pattern will then emerge in your association where the “norm” is to hide what you really think. So in post as we have recently experienced members talk around the difficult issues, retiring to their privacy without a clear sense of what was agreed to or what they should do next. What happens is that solutions and results sufferall because we were afraid to deal with conflict.

So it may feel like it would be less painful to avoid that conflict, but don’t be fooled. In the long run we all will suffer more by avoiding it.

Amen to that. Sometimes in a conflict both sides lose. Sometimes what's at stake is so important it's worth taking the chance.

I believe there is a general consensus that a guest here should enjoy the hospitality of the house and feel free to ask questions and have fun in the chatroom. Unless the chat if for a ceremony or a lesson folks should feel free to talk about books, movies, sports or anything else like a group might discuss hanging around with no particular agenda.

I do not care for someone with an agenda to haunt the chat and whine about the merits of TOTJO v some other organization. There is nothing wrong with posting in chat an interesting site on almost any topic not obscene or illegal.

I hope that nobody from this site would ever do that an another site and if necessary we might have to make a policy and enforce it here due to activities as of late.

I pray that is not necessary. We have some published opinions and there are plenty of other sites and blogs that have various opinions about us too. I'm all for that free speech and such.

Just remember when you are here you are in TOTJO's house so act accordingly.

This is so true and the one line that's getting banded about time n again within the Jedi(ist) community is this...

'Its not the Jedi way'

Sorry but that is the easy cop out answer and a bury the head in sand attitude - most ';problems' are more speedily resolved tot he satisfaction of all if all parties air their views.

Seeking knowledge. seeking understanding, resolution IS THE JEDI(IST) WAY and quite often, its necessary to have the conflict in order to attain a common good

You dont make omelettes without busting a few eggs first.

I have no doubt what-so-ever that a good number of folks will mutter to themselves about this thread - well, think what you like - but it got you thinking which I believe was the intent.

It may not be the Jedi(ist) way to start a fight unnecessarily (of course, necessity is also a point of view ) but thats only a maybe - LYING is NOT a Jedi(ist) trait so decide for yourselves which is worse.

Another old saying 'The Tuth Hurts'

But my experiences have taught me that pain is largely a figure of your imagination.

MTFBWY - A

The sting of an insult is the truth in it.

And remember:

Truth fears no question.

So why are we so afraid of conflict?

One possible reason is that what others say reflects on ourselves. Most of us are unhappy about some aspect of ourselves, whether it is part of our behavior or our apparent shortcomings. These apparent and subjective shortcomings not only contribute to our self-image but also how we communicate problems to others. All the ways in which we communicate are coloured by the kind of self image we each have.

How? If, for example, you are shy, there is a good tendency that others will be perceived as aggressive, even when they are just being open and honest. That means even if we acustically hear the words another says, we will still interpret and make assumptions based on our self-image.

So if we change our self image so may these habitual responces. We are less likely to take things personally. We are less likely to become aggressive or run away. Also, we may become more objective in our assessments of a situation, thereby helping us deescalate resulting conflict.

Then there is the case of the missing link in communication where two or more people have different pictures of the same situation. As is very often the case when these pictures do not match, an raging argument evolves and revolves around whose picture is right.

At the core of such conflicts is the very often mistaken assumption that one person must be right, and the other wrong. Winner takes all! Such people are only defending their respective positions without really gaining any quality insight into the other`s point of view.

We can only get out of this \"dog chasing its own tail\" scenario by seeing conflict as a process of gaining new knowledge, rather than vanquishing an opponent.

For this we need to move away from that one person right, one person wrong attitude towards one of seeking mutual understanding. This perspective acknowledges that both people can be right. This way even relationships can be strengthened.

Be honest but a great number of have been conditioned that conflict is bad and should be perceived as a negative, personal attack. And this, as Grand Master Kana pointed out, is further strengthened by mantras like Jedi don`t argue. That is just total rubish, and a grave missunderstanding of the code that there is no emotion but peace. And depending on a person`s psychological make-up, they have no choice but to become aggressive or run away.

Very often our perception of and communication with others is incomplete or based on false assumptions. This is the kind of base or foundation of sand which the scriptures refer to on which we will never be able to build constructive, solid, new knowledge that will help us resolve conflicts. Taking a step back and listening with absolute openness is something becoming increasingly scarse people have too much on their minds.

Listening means being that we are fully receptive to what another person says, without interrupting or formulating mental responses while the other person is talking. This includes suspending natural tendencies to \"react\" or hastily \"interpret\" whenever we feel under attack.

When we jump to the hasty conclusion of being under attack what we may be really experiencing may be one of our habitual assumptions. Listening without feeling the need of self defence is the beggining to communication. How else will we really discover what is happening.

Absolutely! Discussion is the lifeblood of learning. We seek information through our studies and interactions with others and viewpoints different from our own enrich our understanding. The issue is how we deal with these differences - we can talk and reason and hope to reach a mutual understanding. Or we can throw ever-increasing missiles at each other, each party certain of their own truth. This is when conflict of opinion turns into outright conflict. So many situations around the world are examples of this and it is so often the case that the reasons for conflict are forgotten in the desire to keep fighting for dominance.

According to the creed, we should always be focusing on peace. How we achieve that is up to our own personal viewpoint. But there is no need for hostility - it achieves nothing but a loss of compassion, tolerance and understanding.

We have rules in place here to protect the freedom of expression and security of each and every member - the right to voice one's opinion without harming anyone else. They are not arbitrary and have been well thought over before being decided upon. Respecting those decisions and that guidance fosters a spirit of peaceful co-operation without the need for trouble. If we wish to work towards a future accepting of Jediism and its ideals, we need to bear these things in mind.

MTFBWY

For what my opinion is worth amongst you guys I totally agree with what has been said.

We should have freedom of expression; we are not always going to agree because we can’t. There is a need for a good debate but its how we conduct ourselves during that debate that counts.

With regards to focusing on peace, we should always try to make this paramount, with that said I am sure that we are not trying to get people to “back down” but respect others views and debate it properly without threatening or becoming aggressive, for anger makes us lose focus and hostility is very negative and damaging.

I hope that we are able to have constructive debates without the need to attack others or become hostile when we do not like the answer.

We should always respect the house rules and stay within the guidelines, if we step outside of these then we should accept the consequences of our actions.

Here is to fair debates.

MTFBWY

Your opinion is no more or less valued than anyone else's - just because certain members seem to be responding more to a public thread does not mean anyone is free and welcome to participate - if it were a private convo then it would be held in private

The more the merrier

MTFBWY - A