Current Struggle

Trust me on this - ALL carers feel like that for a moment or two - its just frustration and tiredness.

Youve hit the nails on the heads - he is SELFISH and DICTATORIAL

Now your a similar age to me - and I would guess your dad is somewhere between late 50's and early 70's - either way he is stuck in the victorian era - now in most regards - im lucky my folks are not that way - they respect my privacy etc (99% of the time) etc - Im not saying however we live in perfect harmony like little house on the prairie or the waltons.

Your dad needs to learn the hardway - and you need to learn to not play into his gsmes

You need to learn that he shouldnt have his own way all the time and that your needs etc are as important as his.

He also needs to learn exactly the same thing.

So what id like to suggest firstly is a set 'free time' for you - and I mean proper me free time - not to use if for shopping or chores but for self pleasure - fun or just chilling - just your own space n time. Im not sure where you live but im pretty sure there has to be somekind of medical service who could provide an hour or two - even for one day a week - of care for your dad - rest bite care for you really - you may need to talk with your dads doc on this but given MS is a 'chronic' condition - I dont see any problems getting it - ass I said before - you as the carer in many ways are more important than the patient - a bit like the airliner and oxygen mask analogy someone used - if you go down - you both go down.

Your dad also needs to realise this.

I had an elderly relative who got progressively more selfish as illness progressed - whilst the result wasnt intentional - they had to go into a care home for a week - whilst there - they realised how much the family did for them and how much they got things their own way - as a result - the behaviour radically improved ponce back home - the 'shock' or realisation did us all a world of good

Sounds cruel I know - but maybe this is the jolt your dad needs

That aside - and religions etc aside - YOU need YOUR space etc

MTFBWY - A

PS - Here is an idea for you - recover all your books to make em look like bibles - that ought to keep your dad sweet

some very good suggestions...lol i like the one about making the books look like bibles...i will strive to ponder out a time I can take for me outide of my contemplations,\"work duties\" etc just for fun and to relax although I must say talking with my fellow Jedi is one of the most fun things I've done in a long time...perhaps that's why I pend alot of time reading posts on this site : )

sometimes \"tough love\" is the best kind and most enlightening

definitely...An update on the situation...I wrote my father a letter basically telling him that I was going to be taking some time each day for myself during which I was not to be disturbed for any reason and that my belongings were for my use and if he chose to destroy them or get rid of them he would have to reimburse me the cost of them. He's not real happy and I'm not sure if he'll go along with it but I told him if he wanted me to continue to help him that I needed these things for my own peace of mind. I also explained that I wished he would attempt to understand my beliefs as they make me who I am but that I didn't want him to \"convert\" or even abide by them other then to allow me to live how I see fit.

just reading along with this thread I have become very invested in your success,my father passed away 2 years ago due to pneumonia,but before he became ill he was suffering from some pretty serious dementia. My mom had to look after him for 3 years with him in pretty rough shape before we put him in a home. the point I am trying to make is that there is only so much time and effort you can put into this. the more you give the more they take.not on purpose for the most part but after a while it becomes expected. everyone needs a break and a bit of time for themselves. your Father should realize and respect this. I am not one for ultimatums but they are a great motivator sometimes. just remember you have to follow through with it. also bear in mind this is one mans opinion and i am just trying to help you in making an informed descision.
MTFBWYA

thank you...so far,it seems to be working pretty well...today,I got a couple of hours in the bedroom where my father sleeps while he was up on his computer...I was finally able to pend some much needed time in meditation instead of just contemplation.I also got a small selection of my favorite books that I got to put in the closet in my suitcase.Some of the book I chose are way of the peaceful warrior and sacred journey of the peaceful warrior by dan millman,Celestine prophecy by james redfield,my quran, a couple of various sufi books,etc...not the best selection but prolly the most useful to me at this time.Pretty much all my father aid on the books was he didn't want to see them or hear anything about them but at least it seems to be a start and much better then nothing at all.

jarin wrote:

Pretty much all my father said on the books was he didn't want to see them or hear anything about them ...

With all due respect - this sounds like good old fashioned fear to me - fear of the unknown or things outside of his control and or understanding.

Whilst I hate using quotes from StarWars - yoda's little famous line on fear say it all - and your posts have proven them

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering

Now shoving the books etc under his nose isnt going to help matters - it sounds like if this is done enough - he'll convert your books to carbon based fuel (burn em )

However - if you LIVE the words of the books and show him there is nothing to fear - the choppy waters will calm in time - it may take time and patience - but making waves wont help ...

Im glad you got some ME time though - sedatives are good apparently (I didnt tell you that )

MTFBWY - A

I definitely believe it is from fear that my father has been acting. And I am striving to learn from the books and live the positive lessons I glean from there and site such as this and my Sufi order's website.I hope that maybe one day it will open my father's eye and heart to the lessons I have learned.Lol,I try to avoid sedatives and other thing where I can as I have a trend to get addicted to things rather fast and I chose to control those things in my life.Although the intention behind the comment was much appreciated and I found it rather amusing.

i meant give your dad the sedative (joking of course)

MTFBWY - A

lol...he takes enough pills now...but the joke was hilarious nontheless