a real \"gasser\"

i was at work a few days ago when a co-workers 17 year old son came over saying he was goin to cancel his date because he had gas. a few other co-workers said he should go anyway. he then asked "how do you fart on a date without getting caught\". this got me thinking...prepare yourselves for the thoughts that crept out:laugh:

if you know you're going to be going out with a girl the first rule would of course be to avoid foods with nitrates ie: hotdogs, broccoli, poultry, beans.

however if you must or have already stockpiled these weapons of ass destruction these tips should help.

1. make sure it's going to be silent. silent ones are easier to get away with in a crowd as the lack of sound makes it possible to look around suspiciosly which of course will get others looking and naturally no one will admit to the butt grenade.

2. look for elderly people. crop dusting the elderly is a good way to release pressure and get away with it as they often wear depends that are occassionally full, or they fart as they walk. just make sure you pause long enough to prevent any streamers from following you.

3. look for active sprinklers. most subdivisions and apartment complexes use reclaimed water, as well as some businesses. most importantly as you walk by the sprinklers say:\"that reclaimed water smells like crap\" this will draw her attention to the sprinklers and away from the anal eminations.

hope this helps out the next time an a bomb escapes :laugh:

Or there is GasX which really works.

Types of Farts!!!

1. Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

2. Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

3. Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

4. Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

5. Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

6. Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
7. Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'

8. Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

9.Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

10.Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

11. Poopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

12. Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

13. SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)

14. GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?

15. Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

16. Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

17. Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

18. Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.

19. Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.

20. Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.

tragically i unleashed a ripper in a portable classroom when in 8th grade....24 students screaming earthquake before realizing what had happened....then as i left class....a brown streak in the seat of my desk:laugh: :laugh:

if only i could of held it 5 more minutes

drum roll please....for i am about to reveal quite possibly the most dangerous of all farts, so with no further ado

21. the suicide bomber...this backdoor bomb requires a degree of ruthlessness. when driving with your friends in a car with power windows, lock the window controls and roll the windows up...beware as your friends will most likely want to hurt you for this