Need some advice

Okey, before i go asking for the advice in question i believe that i should explain the background around here and some of the problems that i am having in order to be requesting advice.

As most of you know a little over a year ago i moved to AZ. Well after some unforeseen circumstances my husband and i were required to move back to Cali, mostly because of financial situations. Well, besides that we ended up moving back in with my father-in law (yeah, some of you probably remember some of the problem from back then) only now it seems to be worse. First and foremost. We are sleeping on the floor, but i have gotten past that, i figure i should pick my battles as best i can. But the reason that we do not have a bed now is because my father-in-laws lay is using the room (again, i have opted to choose my battles better). The problem now is that my husbands aunt and father is treating this women better then they treat my husband, myself, and our future child. I mean the living room is our bedroom. On top of that this person was sent to jail for attempting to cash fraudulent checks, and not more then a few years ago, she stole 500 dollars from the people that hold her is such high esteem. Now in her defense she has been seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist and has discovered that she has bipolar or something like that doesn't remember everything that she had done. She paid them back and is bringing in quite a bit of food into the house but no money where as my husband and myself are bring in both food stamps and cash aid, we give them 150 for sleeping on the floor. Now she is going to be getting out of jail soon but has been sending my father-in-law and my husbands aunt mail, but i am not that trusting all the time and have been reading some of the letters without them knowing. It seems that not only has she been turn our own family against us but it seems that when she gets home she is going to attempt to 'crack' down on the two of us. Saying that she is going to get us to basically clean everything. Before i moved to AZ this place wasn't spotless but you could at least call it decent. Now there are spider webs everywhere the bugs are worse and i don't even want to cook in the kitchen. Now despite having done all that they expect us to do it all over again and most of the time that pretty much means ME. I am due on the 9th and my husband has already agreed to help out with most things but i know my husbands temper it is the temper of his dads only his dads is a lot worse and i know that if he refuses to do some things they are going to get into it. (by the way, a baby doesn't count to his dad, when he was younger he was holding his new born niece when his dad found out about something and start beating him, the father got her away but still, now his temper has gotten better but i don't know if it could happen again). I don't want to be here but what can i do? Should i begin to clean the things that need to be cleaned because it will keep the peace of should i wait things out until the living situation changes for my husband and myself because my dad and friends are trying to keep an eye out for some things. We may even be moving to the mountains in a month or so. Now for the Aunt issue, her and this women are talking back and forth about all this stuff, saying she will get us to clean, but then the Aunt doesn't even come to us and say 'hey, i would like this cleaned' so my quess is when the women gets home she is going to go off on us because we were 'told' and we are going to end up being the bad guys because she isn't going to listen and she is going to take the Aunts side. Not to mention the Aunt has a whole new set of problems. She has diabetes and so she is more suseptable to getting sick, i understand this, but she seems to always be sick, she is a hypocondriac and it has only gotten worse over the years and now that she isn't getting the excercise she needs her memory is beginning to lapse and she is claiming it as Alzheimers, and as many of you already know, when you have alzeimers you usually don't know you have it until you can't remember that you do have it. I don't believe she has it and everyone seems to agree with me unless they are just saying that, I have been encouraging her to get up and get out but all she does is hermit in her room and read books, all day and some nights. She seems to have no will to do anything. I would really like to help her but with everything else going on i feel (and i know this isn't very Jedi) like i should just let her rot in the hole she is creating herself. So, with all that said, and as long as that was, is there anything that anyone has to say to help. I mean, should i wait things out, should i just give up, should i keep trying to keep the peace, should i stand up for myself and my husband? There are so many things that i have been trying to decide for myself but sometimes an outside source/second opinion can be so helpful.

Thanks in advance,

MTFBWY

I've been through similar situations, so I'll tell you want I learned. That said, what I learned was in reference to the \"larger picture\". Replace an aunt with an uncle, the father-in-law's floor to an ex-husband's car, or whatever situation card shuffle you want to make. In the larger picture, when I was in this situation, I was being given the opportunity to step out my \"little self\" (which complained that this wasn't fair, I was doing all the work and being taken advantage of, etc) and into my \"bigger self\" (which said \"I love you, and I honor the journey you're on, but it's not for me\").

Here's what I learned:

(1) It's not all about me.
(2) I knew what I would not tolerate and had the strength to hold the line, even if it meant moving across the whole damn continent and dumping hubby #1 to do it.
(3) I could genuinely love someone and be compassionate enough for myself and them to not interfere with their own \"bigger self\" lessons.


(1) Do not to take things personally. No matter how furious the situation made me, I realized that in truth it's not about ME. That lady in jail is not literally thinking \"I'll make their life hell because I'm a bitch\", rather it is about her sad attempts to find value and validation for herself because she can't find it within herself. The aunt refusing to take responsibility while giving the impression she has is not because she's afraid of you and what you'll say, it's because she's afraid of herself and wants someone else to take that responsibility for her. Can you see the shift here?

I learned that it's only my own world which revolved around me, and my husband's revolves around him, and my mom's revolves around her, etc. My mom may say something which rips out my heart, but I know she's not saying it because she thinks it will hurt me but rather because she feels that her statement will in some way get me to do what she wants and thus it serves her. Notice that in all these instances where people are attempting to lash out, they do it from their own weakness, their own shadow selves, or their own manifestation of the Dark Side. They don't believe they have power, so they want to club me over the head and take mine. I am now at the point where I can \"No, I love you, but no.\"

(2) By not taking such actions personally, I was rather surprised to discover that those attempts started more and more to roll off my back. They couldn't make me angry anymore because I saw past the illusions and felt compassion for their journey. I look at my uncle and see the Light of the Force shining within him, but he can't see it for himself so he drowns his insecurities in alcohol and fits of abusive rage. Now I can see his issues aren't about me at all. I wish him the most sincere prayers but I also know I won't take his bullshit anymore. He sensed that profound but unstated energy shift and as a result, I'm literally the only family member he doesn't try to get money from, doesn't try to bully, and actually sends me holiday cards. He never did any of that before I hit this awareness. He hasn't changed, but I have, and as a result our relationship also changed.

(3) You mentioned that letting the person \"rot in the hole of their own making\" was not a very Jedi statement, but I think that if that were looked at through a different lens, you might see it's actually a very Jedi thing to honor someone else's process and choose to not interfere with it. Let me give you a personal example. When I was going through my divorce, I was seeing a shrink who diagnosed me as clinically depressive and offered me the usual drugs. I declined, which shocked the tar out of the shrink because apparently nobody declines uppers. My reason was that \"I needed to experience the hell in order to find the motivation and strength to get out of it\". By taking the drugs, I would in essence be shoving aside my responsibility to handle the problem and therefore have chosen to remain in the \"little self\". Is it a more Jedi thing to LOVINGLY let someone else learn their own vital life lessons, or is it a more Jedi thing to decide they can handle those other person's problems better so they will? If you took it upon yourself to pry someone out of their hole when they weren't ready or willing to take the responsibility for that action, are you truly serving their highest good? I know my own take, but you may not agree. Now, if someone WERE ready, that's a whole different ballgame.

To me, the the Force is forever asking us to step into our \"soul power\", into our \"Authentic Selves\", to be the One who is strong enough within ourselves to be able to shine the Light that is the Force out into the world for others to see. It's not an easy path, alone or with a family, which is why so few do it. You have a family, and your husband is going to have to find his own strength in this regard as well, because you can't carry the entire burden. If he sees an example in you, perhaps he too can step up, but the process is not an overnight \"do this and magically the world is full of roses\" one. IF you take up the gauntlett being thrown down by the Force at this painful juncture, and it will be thrown down again and again and again, your world WILL change. As mentioned, I ended up getting divorced, losing EVERYTHING, and then moving 3000 miles away with no friends/family/job/house in the offing. Not saying that will happen to you, but it sounds like you're in the \"crucial\" phase where that choice needs to be made: find your true Self and hold fast, or betray yourself in an effort to maintain the status quo or not rock the boat.

My advice? Find your true Self and hold fast; let the Light of the Force shine through you because you're strong enough to handle it.

May the Force help guide you in this time of trial!!!

You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this trying time. Hopefully you can get that place in the mountains .

In the meantime...I'd say wait it out. Find out where home girl stands when she gets back. She might not even be able to confront you. Which wouldn't be too good for her integrity, but then if she doesn't stand beside it-she dug her own grave. The girl might talk the talk, but you can't be sure that she will walk the walk. After all, she's coming from jail, that changes you quite a bit.


As to cleaning, you should clean a little bit. Not a lot, but enough to help you get your mind off of this stuff . Keeping yourself engaged will help ease your mind a bit. Plus, you should feel better about the living conditions for your unborn child when he/she is brought into the home for the very first time.

Father-in-laws temper. HOLY SMACKS! That's just terrible! If something happens to your child, I sincerely hope your father-in-law understood the complications of the law. I can't think of any jury (not even one made up of criminals-unless they were baby killers) that would show him mercy. If I were the previous father that had to deal with him when that happened: Your father-in-law would have been sued-no if, ands or buts about it.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this trying time. Hopefully you can get that place in the mountains .

In the meantime...I'd say wait it out. Find out where home girl stands when she gets back. She might not even be able to confront you. Which wouldn't be too good for her integrity, but then if she doesn't stand beside it-she dug her own grave. The girl might talk the talk, but you can't be sure that she will walk the walk. After all, she's coming from jail, that changes you quite a bit.


As to cleaning, you should clean a little bit. Not a lot, but enough to help you get your mind off of this stuff . Keeping yourself engaged will help ease your mind a bit. Plus, you should feel better about the living conditions for your unborn child when he/she is brought into the home for the very first time.

Father-in-laws temper. HOLY SMACKS! That's just terrible! If something happens to your child, I sincerely hope your father-in-law understood the complications of the law. I can't think of any jury (not even one made up of criminals-unless they were baby killers) that would show him mercy. If I were the previous father that had to deal with him when that happened: Your father-in-law would have been sued-no if, ands or buts about it.

Thank you both. As i said, before we moved to AZ this was all slightly different and i am beginning to believe that what really holds me here is my own sense of 'false' worth in which i feel that they need me when they don't. I wish i could move to colorado or someplace where it snows but with a lack of car, license, and finances to get out of Cali or even to move to a better area it seems we are stuck until we get lucky. With a job or an affordable house. With unemployment at 12% in my area it really does feel like we need some luck. Not to mention a bunch of other little things that are limiting our abilities to work in certain fields, etc. I just feel like i have been dealt a crap hand right now. But i am glad to know that i have people who care. Thank you both again.

Better aria! Crap hand!

Yoda: My home this is.

This place isn't so bad you just have to blend in and look for the culture here in AZ.

Still I do hope that things get better for you soon.