Mirror

The answer, as with many research studies in nonverbal communication, is it depends!

Mimicry can have a positive or negative effect in situation

Generally, overall mimicry will leave people with positive feelings (Andersen, 1998) and can make a person more persuasive (Balinson & Yee, 2005). However, certain situations it can actually diminish it (Lui, et al., 2011) and be viewed as violating social norms.

Firstly, mimicry and mirroring, like much of nonverbal communication often occurs subconsciously. This is holds true for the person doing the mimicking as well as the person on the receiving end. Since it is occurring on this level, people often are not able to articulate that the other person’s mimicry is what creates the positivity and liking (Chartrand & Bargh, 1999).

What are nonverbal examples of mirroring and mimicry? It consists of a wide-ranging spectrum including, but not limited to dress, gestures, vocal pitch and tone, posture, distance, eye contact, distance between the other person, and body orientation.

Notice the various aspects of mirroring?

Research has shown that people increase mimicry of another person when affiliation goals exist compared to when not meaning if you are engaged in a task with other people, or working on a collaborative project, it is more likely that mimicry will be displayed. However, odds also favor no one will realize it. Mimicry is often one aspect of being charismatic, being persuasive, building rapport, developing immediacy and overall having a positive impact on someone.

If the above is the “good” of mimicry, you are probably aware that there is a “bad” to it as well. Indeed, and one not surprising culprit is when money is involved. A study conducted by Lui, Vohs, and Smeester (2011) demonstrated that simply priming participates with being reminded of money resulted in the person being mimicked having a negative impression on the mimicker. The suggested the thought of money and subsequent mimicry could create a threat perception of the mimicker.

Various social contexts where people were mimicked can give people the chills- literally. Leander, Chartrand and Bargh’s(2011) first study actually demonstrated those not being mimicked resulted in the non-mimicked person feeling colder while studies two and three demonstrated that it was not the presence of mimicking that creating feelings of coldness but rather it was the “inappropriateness” of the mimicry and racial differences.

Not every situation calls for mimicry (think task oriented and non-peer interactions) and people engaging in same-race situations reported warmer room temperatures marginally during mimicked interactions compared to cross-race interactions. Applying this directly to everyday interactions, mimicry would more expected between employees of the same title compared to it being displayed between, for example, a manager and employee.

Leander’s et al.’s research reflects also on previous research where people displaying mimicry is not alone in creating this frigid sensation feeling of coldness. Sense of coldness has been correlated with feeling lonely and socially excluded; perceiving a social threat; and people being assigned a public-speaking task. A study even demonstrated the insula region of the brain was activated for physical sensations of coldness as well as social coldness.

Can mimicking someone then increase rapport, liking, and a positive feeling about the mimicker? Yes, generally research points in that direction however there is parting words of caution.

Here are two tips to consider:
1) Base the use of mimicry on the other person as well as the situation.
2) Keep in mind if you are purposely mimicking others during interactions, it can create a cognitive strain and thus contribute to stress leaking out nonverbally. This means your intentional attempts at rapport building, charisma, and being persuasive can actually backfire.

What I do suggest is practicing empathy and active listening skills. Practice in developing empathy and engaging in active listening skills with the same intention of building rapport, being charismatic and being persuasive can have the same effect while at the same time, with practice, can occur automatically and reducing the cognitive strain of non-genuine mirroring and mimicry can create.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-words/201209/mimicry-and-mirroring-can-be-good-or-bad

Mirroring can be funny, but anyone who has grown up with a sibling who repeats everything you say and do knows echoing actions and words can go from being funny to annoying pretty fast.
•Why mirror anyone other than to be on Ellen or to be a YouTube sensation?
•Why do experts from sales trainers to pick-up artists tout the benefits of mirroring?


Because it works.

When done right, research consistently demonstrates its power. Here are just a few examples:
•Waitresses gained higher tips (Van Barren et al., 2003)
•Sales clerks achieved higher sales and more positive evaluations (Jacob et. al., 2011)
•More students agreed to write an essay for another student (Gueguen, Martin, & Meineri, 2011)
•Men evaluated women more favorably in speed dating (Gueguen, 2009)

But when done wrong, it’s a disaster, so let’s turn to some science to make sure you get it right every time.

Monkey Business

Early in the 1990s, researchers at the University of Parma in Italy were doing work with macaque monkeys. Quite by accident, when one of the researchers reached to grab his food, he noticed that the neurons in a nearby research monkey became active as if it was reaching for the food even though in reality it was sitting idly by. Startled by this finding, the researchers tested and found they could repeatedly make the monkey’s brain think it was taking action just by watching the researchers. This became the foundation for what are now called “mirror neurons”.

Later, in 2010, Kuhn et. al., found that when someone mirrors your behavior, the areas of your brain that activate are the same ones that process rewards and make you feel good.

So not only is mirroring hardwired in your brain, but it is also rewarded!

It is this hardwiring that you need to take advantage of to do mirroring the right way.

The 4 Steps to Mirroring Successfully

When done correctly, mirroring can build rapport and a strong connection with others. Ironically, if your goal is only to find ways to make others connect with you and you just mirror what they are doing, you may at best just irritate them.

Why?

Mirroring to make others feel a connection is perceived as inauthentic immediately.

Here is how to do it the right way.

1. Build Your Connection First

If you remember nothing else, remember this:

Your key to building rapport and a strong connection is to first feel that connection yourself. If you aren’t feeling it, they aren’t feeling it. click to tweet

Here’s how:
•Fronting: To start, you want to give the other person your complete attention. Start by fronting the other person, that is, squaring your body so you are directly facing them. They need to literally be the center of your universe.

•Eye Contact: A funny thing about eye-contact, too little and you will seem tentative and too much you might seem creepy. Go for the middle ground (see tip#1 in this post for more info!). This not only demonstrates your interest level in the other person through your undivided attention, but according to Dr. Kerstin Uväs-Moberg in his book The Oxytocin Factor, making eye contact releases Oxytocin, the hormone that creates those warm feelings we feel when making a close connection.

•Triple Nod: The triple nod does two important things. First, research shows when you do the triple nod, the other person will speak 3 to 4 times longer making them feel listened to and important. And second, when you nod, you are basically agreeing with what the other person is saying and this builds what scientists call a “yes set”. It is like when a salesperson asks you a couple of simple questions like “Is it still June?”, or “It sure is warm today isn’t it?” you say yes (even if only in your mind) and research shows once you start saying yes, the more likely it is you will continue to do so. Yes sets build connections. So when you nod, you build your own yes set and further strengthen the connection you are making.

•Pretend, then stop pretending: At this point, you are fronting the person, making appropriate eye contact and using your triple nod. Likely you are already feeling a very strong connection, but to fully complete it, use the power of your imagination. Do this by pretending the person you are with is the most interesting person you have ever met. Really imagine it and act accordingly. Then stop pretending.

Throughout all of this, a lot of mirroring is likely happening naturally on its own, but here are some mirroring techniques you can now use to build and amplify their connection to you.

2. Pace and Volume

Many times, people think of mirroring as mimicking physical actions, but mirroring refers to all non-verbals. Start with mirroring the pace and volume of the other person’s speech. If they are a super fast talker and loud, increase your volume and animation. If they are soft, slow and more relaxed, match them at this level instead. Pace and volume matching is easy to do and much less obvious than physical mimicry.

3. Identify their Punctuator

Because you have been carefully paying attention to the person you’re mirroring with the entire time, you will have noticed a favorite punctuator that the other person uses to make a point. It could be an eyebrow flash (quick raise of the eyebrows) or some type of hand gesture like politicians often use. Here is story of how I used a punctuator: Earlier this year when I was having lunch with a physician who was pitching a public, private and institutional partnership, I noticed that when he was particularly adamant about an issue, he would bring both hands in front of his body and thrust them vigorously up and down. As he spoke, I prompted him on by nodding in pace with his plea and when he came to his conclusion, I mimicked his double-handed gesture as he made it himself. He stopped, looked at me, cocked his head and said “Yes! You understand it completely!” and smiled with a nod.

The thing is, I hadn’t said a single word.

4. Testing the Connection

This last part is optional, but if you really want to test your connection, make an overt action unrelated to your conversation and see if it is mirrored back.

During the break following a keynote speech I had given, an audience member came up to me and we discussed the similarities that he and I had with our fathers who had both been in World War II. At one point while he was talking, I had an irritating itch on my nose which I quickly scratched but then I noticed he reached up and scratched his own nose all the while continuing on with his story. It seemed so out of place, I decided to test this to see if it was a fluke. A moment later, I scratched my head and he suddenly did exactly the same thing. It was so odd I almost laughed out loud.

Warning: Do not do repeated testing as this will quickly break the connection!

One final word of caution: When you mirror, make sure that you are mirroring positive non-verbals and nothing negative like turning away, blocking with your arms folded, closing your eyes or looking away.

So get out there and make those connections, and if we are doing mirroring right, we’re making two reflections into one (and yes, I did just quote Justin Timberlake).

Great, now that song is going to be in my head all day…

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http://www.scienceofpeople.com/2015/08/the-power-of-mirroring/

We can all think of a few people that we would describe as being "impossible." These are individuals who push the wrong buttons, irritate us to no end and annoy us whenever we talk to them. These are the people that we find arrogant, critical, and negative or possess some other character deficit. How do we handle impossible people?

The interesting thing is that we don't all find the same people hard to take. The guy that annoys me, doesn't bother my wife and the neighbor that she dreads talking to, I can communicate with easily. Why do these difficult people clash with some but not with others?

The Baal Shem Tov explained this with the "mirror theory."
Why do these difficult people clash with some but not with others?
He taught that when we look at others we are looking at a mirror. When we observe and analyze the behavior of other people we actually discover ourselves in them. The profile we create for others is shaped by our own personality.

None of us are perfect. We all have our deficiencies and areas of personality that are underdeveloped and need work. But we are often unaware of these deficits. Self love often causes us to be in denial, preventing us from resolving and correcting these weaknesses.

When we observe character defects in other people and criticize them, it is really the undeveloped parts of our personality that are showing up. We are only so irritated by these blemishes because the very same issues are unresolved within ourselves. My spouse might not have the same area of weakness, and therefore does not notice it in others.

When we see faults in others it can be used as an opportunity for self reflection. If we think someone is arrogant we can examine our own egos. If we describe someone as being unkind we can examine on our level of kindness, compassion and empathy. If our friend's judgmental nature bothers us we should think about how we view other people.

We should always endeavor to look at people in a positive light. But when it becomes difficult, it is an opportunity to look inwards.

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/716555/jewish/The-Mirror-Theory.htm