Giving Up, Letting Go, Moving On

As Jedi, we have a tendency to give and give and give, forgive forgive forgive, try try try. And it can leave us with very little remaining for ourselves, for the next issue, for where we want to be in our own lives.

Here's your reminder that you're under no obligation to anyone, besides the obligations you place on yourself.

Bryant McGill wrote: "No one wants to give-up on someone they love, such as a relative, friend or lover. But, sometimes we are forced to make hard decisions by extraordinary suffering. It's easy to judge, or say, "never give-up," until you have been there. Eventually, you begin to realize that life is too short and your powers to teach, influence or heal are limited. You finally accept that their emptiness, pain and dysfunction requires more than you have to give. You can't hand your whole life and soul to someone who doesn't even care about their own. Letting go is an excruciating heartbreak; mourning the death of what once was. If you did let someone go, and you still have guilt, it's time to forgive yourself and begin to heal. If it is time to let someone go, for their sake, or for yours, then this may be your confirmation."

A reminder that it's OK to respect yourself enough to put your own ongoing wellbeing ahead of someone else's passing need for you to support their wellbeing... even if you are a Jedi, and even if you are a Cleric.

You are as much a part of the Force as any other... as a Jedi you stand to do a lot of good, but not if you keep pouring your all into things which can't work. Trust in what is... recognise where you are fighting the tide and getting nowhere. Don't feel that anyone has a right to demand your continued support, forgiveness or love, when they have been reckless with it.

It's OK for a Jedi to look after themselves, even from their obligations as and to other Jedi. No religion is more valuable than your personal wellbeing.


_{A number of recent events inspired this post. If you think it's aimed at you, whilst it probably is partially inspired by whatever you're thinking about, it also definitely isn't "aimed" at anyone. The lesson is as true for you, as it is for anyone.}

This has always been a very hard lesson for me. I learn it all the time but it never seems to stick. I have a real problem with trusting people and having high expectations of them. Seeing the good in people and looking for that silver lining. Holding on to hope that maybe....maybe...things will be different this time around.

I always end up hurt and a little more......broken? Bitter....

My husband has been making the observation lately that I just don't like people. Which isn't true. I do like people, hanging out, having a good time and being social.....it is just that every time we think we found people worth hanging on to....they always end up disappointing us in the worst way.

Yesterday I had to give up on someone.....again. And this time it needs to be for good because...I don't deserve to be treated like he treated me. And...I think....I think it's time I move on from something that I have held on to for so...oh soooo many years.

My family is about to dive into a new pool and...its got me a bit nervous.

My trouble lies in giving too many chances. I know how hard it can be to make changes and break habits, so I forgive repeated insults and injuries to the degree that it winds up significantly messing up my own life.

But then, empathy is an important thing, right? So... I don't know how to be empathetic - which I have great trouble turning off or ignoring - while still protecting myself and my needs.

It's actually caused me some pretty significant problems at times. Including right now. Sigh...

We certainly shouldn't try to hold on when our altruistic nature is abused. That being said we should be mindful of our oaths and promises. If you can't keep that oath or promise don't make it. If something occurs that prevents you from fulfilling that oath or promise explain it to those who are affected and try to remedy any harm caused.
I remember when Phortis first approached me about apprenticeship. He gave me a riddle of sorts. No explanation other than to read it and think on it for a while before I explain what it means. Essentially it said that it is part of who we are to put the needs of others before ourselves. That's what Jedi do. This is a life of service. HOWEVER, you NEED to take care of yourself when you have the opportunity. You aren't helping anyone by killing yourself. Look to yourself so that you can continue looking to others.

I recognise this thread is directly counter to some of our core values. For me that's why this lesson has value.

We have an opportunity to see that eternal altruism can be damaging.

And we have an opportunity to notice that unless our respect for the Force extends to respect for ourselves and our own lives... it is incomplete.

tzb wrote: And we have an opportunity to notice that unless our respect for the Force extends to respect for ourselves and our own lives... it is incomplete.

This is my trouble, right here. If someone else we're in my situation, I know exactly the advice I would give them. But somehow I treat myself as below, or at least outside of, "normal" values.

Like there's this glorious shining wen of the Force, right, but then one tiny corner of it has gone dull, and that corner is me.

Frustrating. But when I consider thinking of and treating myself as equal, it's terrifying...

It's tough. In my experience often very tough for people who identify as Jedi, because we are empathic by nature. Today I was supporting a friend through something and as he spoke, I felt the tears pricking in my eyes, so involved was I in his emotion.

But I have learned some "emotional cool down" techniques - through letting myself get burnt out too many times, is must be said - which enable me to step outside of that these days, whilst still caring. Techniques which include meditation, mindfulness, self observation, self knowledge itself. Understanding who I am and how I work, something which removed the drama from the things which happen to and through me.

Letting go of that empathically received emotion, means I'm available to the next person who needs me. And, importantly, that I remain available for me.

Knowing yourself and your limits is fundamental to service. Without that knowledge you could do more harm than good. Thanks TZB.

tzb wrote: But I have learned some "emotional cool down" techniques - through letting myself get burnt out too many times, is must be said - which enable me to step outside of that these days, whilst still caring. Techniques which include meditation, mindfulness, self observation, self knowledge itself. Understanding who I am and how I work, something which removed the drama from the things which happen to and through me.

If you'd be willing, either here or in pm or where ever, I'd be very interested in hearing details about some of these techniques.

This subject right now is a bit difficult for me, someone I know is giving up on something we both dearly loved, and their just walking away, and provided little notification whatsoever...

I either tear myself apart in attempts to make sense of it all, or in some vain attempt to bring them back, or I'm forced to essentially make that bitter hard choice and leave them be. After four years, I find myself grinding my damn teeth...

But there comes a point where either I continue feeling like shit, or realize I can only do so much, and regretfully move on for my sanity. I'm also not much help to anyone else if I resist moving on and continue to exist in that mental state...

It suck's, attachments be damned...

ReallyRiver wrote: If you'd be willing, either here or in pm or where ever, I'd be very interested in hearing details about some of these techniques.

I'd be happy to once I'm done with work. The most effective technique, however, is practice

This might sound a bit strange, but I have cancer to thank for making me learn the lesson you've shared here, tzb. I have always been concerned about other's feelings before my own and I've given way too much to people who have abused me in the past. I neglected my own well being for a long time. It was part of the reason I came to this Temple in the first place. I had begun to sense my candle was out of wick, per say, and I needed to take care of myself. Then I was diagnosed with a disease that requires me to be 100% selfish at times. If I don't, I'll be doing more than just damage to my spirit or ego or emotional health. I could literally die. It makes me realize that it is okay sometimes to let other people handle their own burdens for a bit while I take care of myself. Work, family, and this Temple will have to do without me once in a while, but the alternative would be to do without me forever and I like to think that I still have some good to do here.

Thanks for the reminder, Stu.

There is a lesson I give all my apprentices that goes along the same line of thought.

A knight is Self-Concerned without being Selfish

........ The Knight must be concerned with his or her wellbeing in order to survive. He or she cannot be giving away all the money, all the time, the goods and services, the bond, or one rarely survives well. At the same time, the Knight is not selfish, just concerned enough to survive and function well.

........ In other words, the Knight needs to be realistic to stay healthy, to stay happy, to rest, regenerate, and earn a living. But the ultimate goal of the Knight is never self-aggrandizement, self-adulation, or self-indulgence in any way or form. A Knight must do what he must to stay healthy and in a position to do what his or her purpose is, to serve. This also means ensuring the continuation of the knight in the future.

I think this should be true for all people, Jedi included.

It is also why I tend to not involve myself with TotJo activities on the weekends. A little time away each week is how I keep my sanity… or what’s left of it

LOL


Good message to share TZB

You guys are inspirational. Seriously.

I value my value too little, I guess. This is not about suicide, to be clear, but it's ok with me if I die. I don't really see my contributions to things as being very valuable.

And I guess that leads to a whole heap of issues, including taking care of others (largely my husband and wife) before myself.

I was going to pitch in my $0.02 with a lesson I learned working in EMS, very much in line with what Spinner and Wescli have said above. But I have a sermon due this week, and now I actually have something to say.

Once I was stung by a bee.
It hurt me. He died.
I cried.