"Five Love Languages"

ok so to say that people show or recognize love in only five ways is maybe too simplistic, but the idea here is that these five ways are very common and that each of us likely has one or two which we prefer and are natural to us

from http://verilymag.com/2013/04/dr-gary-chapman-explains-the-5-love-languages

"What are the 5 Love Languages?

1. Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

4. Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive."

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i definitely relate more to a couple of these than to the others, and also reading this is revealing in regards to some previous relationship experiences

i dont know how exact all this is, but i feel like being aware of these may be useful in better understanding the people in our lives and in improving relationships, generally

I read that book a few years ago, and I agree that five may be too simplistic, but like you said (and if I remember correctly, the book itself said this too) they're just generalizations of common behaviors when showing love.

My love languages are touch and quality time, which can make a long distance relationship hard for me sometimes, since both languages require close proximity. However, it is a good way to learn patience and how to express different ways of showing love when you can't be near them. Words of Affirmation play a heavy role in my relationship whenever Erin and I are apart.

Looking at the languages again, it seems evenly divided between what requires proximity and what doesn't. Touch and quality time, like I said, require proximity. Words of Affirmation and Gifts can work for long distance relationships, like "I love you" through phone calls and sending a gift in the mail. Acts of service can be done when partners are together and your partner sees you doing those acts and feels loved, but they can also be done when the partners are not together. Say your partner is on vacation and while they're gone, you clean the whole home. When they come back, they see the result of all the work you did and they feel loved. However, if it's a long distance relationship where you hardly ever see each other, then Acts of Service can be more of a proximity thing.

So for people like me, whose love languages require proximity, long distance relationships require you to think about different ways to show your love when your partner's away (unless theirs is a non-proximity language), and how you can still feel loved when they can't touch you or spend quality time with you.

This book was recommended to me early in my marriage, and I've recommended it to a friend early in his.

A lesson I learned long and hard was that not everyone thinks and operates the same way I do. Ok, that's a lesson I still am learning

I think the idea of five specific ones are simplistic but it's a good basis to understanding how our close relationships (in partners, family, friends and on) operate. It gives us a way to know how to tell the person "You are valued" in a way they need it most! If I value Acts of Service, and my sister values Receiving Gifts, I'm better off sending her small meaningful things periodically rather than doing something for her. But without knowing that, she won't care as much as I do that I walked her dog for her. She won't understand how much I care for her because I'm not speakin' her language.

There's a test out there for it but I think I rated on Acts of Service and Quality Time over the others.

I just got out of a relationship which lasted almost exactly a year.

OB1Shinobi wrote: 1. Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

I didn't realize how much I needed positive feedback until I started this job. I would do anything for my managers because they praise my efforts. I realized that if you want me around, you have to tell me. The reason my romantic relationship lasted as long as it did was because of the sweet things he said.

4. Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

This is a huge one for me. Actually showing me instead of just telling me is so important. And this was the reason that relationship ended. He would say he was going to do something, then not follow through. And he'd even go out of his way to find things that I didn't even know I needed done, which was great, but just wouldn't follow through on what he said.

And I dislike receiving gifts... it makes me feel like they think I'm too pathetic to buy my own things, or like they're trying to buy me, like they think I owe them something. Don't even buy my lunch. I'm not interested. I'm sure this comes from my experience with years and years of poverty, but I don't care. If I couldn't afford to pay for my own meal and movie, I wouldn't be here. If I wanted a bracelet, I'd buy it myself. Buying me things is actually a REALLY good way to drive me off. That's another reason that relationship ended. He refused to understand that I didn't want him to buy me things. To send me another present after I have said a hundred times how I don't want it shows a level of insensitivity that is a real turn off.

I enjoyed reading this book. I would appreciate others reading it because it can give a common laguage for people to express how they give and receive appreciation and care. If someone can tell me how I can best demonstrate my appreciation in a way that can be received, imagine how affective connections would be.