Irritated by an individual, and changing my perspective.

rugadd wrote: Do you really think that one would go any better?

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

the question that was asked was "how do i adjust my own perception so that i am not constantly irritated by something that is unimportant"

the question that people seem to be answering is "how do i make the other person change their behavior so that it will conform to my demands?"

DanielJ wrote: I suppose what I'm trying to ask is, from the Jedi point of view, or any point of view, can I change the way I perceive her actions and words, to not have that switch flipped?

As OB1Shinobi pointed out, this is the main question and this is the question I will answer.

Daniel, we are all blessed with the ability to choose our attitudes. The majority of the people I used to be around would let the happenings of the day dictate their attitudes. Then I got into business with some guys that always chose their attitude each and every day. They get annoyed, frustrated, angry, upset, sad, sick, emotional, etc etc, but they always have a smile on their face and motivational words. That is choosing your attitude. A very good friend of mine has a son that can only eat certain types of food and once a month they have to take him down to Salt Lake City for special treatments. This costs a lot of money and a lot of time. At first he was very angry about it and it showed, but then someone had this same conversation with him as he had with me about choosing his attitude. There is also a book you can buy, it's relatively inexpensive, it is called "Attitude 101" by John C Maxwell. It is summed up by saying, "You choose your attitude".

In respects to your roommate, choose to be happy when she shows you something or wants to talk to you. Yes, you might find it annoying, but she is going to you for a reason. Even if she believes your ideas won't work, just be there for her. Be the person she can rely on to talk to, the person she knows will always listen, the person that will make her feel like a special human being. I know that when I talk with my wife I want her to listen and be there for me. I know many other people who want someone there to listen to them, even if they are old stubborn arse men. We all need a sounding board, you are hers. If this is not something you want to do, then sit her down and talk with her. Let her know that you do not wish to be this person.

As with everything my friend, the choice is yours but always remember: "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction" so you better be prepared for the consequences of those actions.

May the Force be with you.
~Silvermane

Silvermane wrote:

DanielJ wrote: I suppose what I'm trying to ask is, from the Jedi point of view, or any point of view, can I change the way I perceive her actions and words, to not have that switch flipped?

As OB1Shinobi pointed out, this is the main question and this is the question I will answer.

Daniel, we are all blessed with the ability to choose our attitudes. The majority of the people I used to be around would let the happenings of the day dictate their attitudes. Then I got into business with some guys that always chose their attitude each and every day. They get annoyed, frustrated, angry, upset, sad, sick, emotional, etc etc, but they always have a smile on their face and motivational words. That is choosing your attitude. A very good friend of mine has a son that can only eat certain types of food and once a month they have to take him down to Salt Lake City for special treatments. This costs a lot of money and a lot of time. At first he was very angry about it and it showed, but then someone had this same conversation with him as he had with me about choosing his attitude. There is also a book you can buy, it's relatively inexpensive, it is called "Attitude 101" by John C Maxwell. It is summed up by saying, "You choose your attitude".

In respects to your roommate, choose to be happy when she shows you something or wants to talk to you. Yes, you might find it annoying, but she is going to you for a reason. Even if she believes your ideas won't work, just be there for her. Be the person she can rely on to talk to, the person she knows will always listen, the person that will make her feel like a special human being. I know that when I talk with my wife I want her to listen and be there for me. I know many other people who want someone there to listen to them, even if they are old stubborn arse men. We all need a sounding board, you are hers. If this is not something you want to do, then sit her down and talk with her. Let her know that you do not wish to be this person.

As with everything my friend, the choice is yours but always remember: "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction" so you better be prepared for the consequences of those actions.

May the Force be with you.
~Silvermane

I don't know any other way this could have been more brilliantly put - Good on you, Silvermane!

I might only add, DanielJ, that very often when someone vents about a problem, our first instinct might be to come up with a solution... which goes against their instincts, which might have been, "I need to talk about this with someone who'll just listen and empathize with me". We might rise to the task of providing an answer, but we might not realize that we're not being asked for one... it is quite often that the other person really only just needs to be heard... and that's all the medicine they hope to find for that moment. Providing a "fix" in such a case, can be construed emotionally as being invalidated. It can be quite... I'll say disconcerting. Hence the reactions you mentioned, to your solutions offered. Try to see with her eyes.

Food for thought

MTFBWYA

- Tarran

OB1Shinobi wrote: the question that was asked was "how do i adjust my own perception so that i am not constantly irritated by something that is unimportant"

the question that people seem to be answering is "how do i make the other person change their behavior so that it will conform to my demands?"

See, the thing is, in a relationship there's two things a person can do when there's conflict. Change the way you think, or change the way you interact with the other person.

Some relationships and situations within that relationship require a change in MY perspective. Such as many instances between my husband and I.

Other relationships and situations are unhealthy if left as they are. Such as the relationship between my mother and I. And if the noise is repeatedly keeping Daniel up, lack of sleep leads to health issues.

Which is why I offered options to the initial question and beyond it so Daniel has more ideas of things he may want to try if it turns out more like the second kind of situation. Relationships of any kind require both parties to work on it. Sometimes the work is on me, but other times the work needs to be done by both.

Kamizu wrote: See, the thing is, in a relationship there's two things a person can do when there's conflict. Change the way you think, or change the way you interact with the other person.

Some relationships and situations within that relationship require a change in MY perspective. Such as many instances between my husband and I.

Other relationships and situations are unhealthy if left as they are. Such as the relationship between my mother and I. And if the noise is repeatedly keeping Daniel up, lack of sleep leads to health issues.

Which is why I offered options to the initial question and beyond it so Daniel has more ideas of things he may want to try if it turns out more like the second kind of situation. Relationships of any kind require both parties to work on it. Sometimes the work is on me, but other times the work needs to be done by both.

Kamizu has a very valid point here. You can't change the way you live until you change the way you think. That is the difference between successful entrepreneurs and failing small businesses. I believe Einstein is best quoted here, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."

As I pointed out to DanielJ and what Kamizu is also pointing out is that Daniel needs to change the way s/he is thinking about the situation which will change the way s/he reacts to the situation. Therefore, Kamizu was actually answering the question as originally stated.

Force be with you all.
Silvermane

Tarran wrote: I don't know any other way this could have been more brilliantly put - Good on you, Silvermane!

Thank you. I don't always say something brilliant, but when I do, I often forget to write it down... :laugh:

Thanks again, Tarran. Force be with you, my friend.
Silvermane

i wasnt singling anyone out

lets say my birthday is coming up and i really really need a couple new shirts - they can even be second hand shirts (im cheap) as long as they are ok enough that no one will look at me like i belong in an asylum

and thats it

thats all i need and all that i want-AND ALL THAT I AM ASKING FOR

and then SOMEONE, in my best interest, goes out and buys me a pair of shoes and a hat

they are made by Versace, so theyre really expensive, nice looking shoes and hat

but i dont have any shirts to wear them with, i NEED shirts, which is why I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR SHIRTS

and when im like "i asked for shirts"
and shes all like "youre so ungrateful, this is way better"

and suddenly theres this tension between us

both of our feelings were hurt
mine because what i actually needed and asked for, which was easy and cheap for her and/but was REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, was totally disregarded

and i felt like she gave me the gift that she wanted for herself
rather than the one that was appropriate to me and my situation

and hers because its Versace; they are expensive and beautiful, and she was excited by the thought of how much i was going to love them

in her mind, its just a stupid shirt, that i could get any time

except obviously i couldnt get my shirts ANY TIME, or else i would have; but im a broke college boy living off of grant money and student loans

and all this is made wose because its cold in here

and i still dont have any shirts

so i ask "do you know if pawn shops take Versace?"

and now shes REALLY pissed
and i can tell i better not eat anything she cooks for a while
so im cold AND hungry
and this is why i dont like birthdays

OB1, I never said you singled anyone out. I was simply explaining why I felt it was important to offer information beyond what was asked since you seemed to think it was unnecessary.

You may need a shirt, but maybe someone else in the community needs the shirt, hat, shoes, pants, socks, and dinner to get through the day.

This is a community forum. Maybe you didn't know you needed the socks too. Maybe I have the experience that tells me that after I offer you the shirt, you could use the socks after you put the shirt on. Because I've been there. Missing those socks. I may know what the next step is if the shirt isn't enough.

OR I also may know other people are here viewing these threads. That someone else has a similar situation and maybe they've tried the change in mind set and have just gotten worse because of it. Maybe they don't want to speak up and someone's post here gave them an idea of something they can do.

OB1, if you don't want or need the frelling socks, don't take the socks. This is a pot-luck, community pile of information. You take what you can use, offer what you can offer, and enjoy (or don't) the company. Daniel's question was answered by several people, and given more information beyond that. If Daniel or anyone else wants further information or has more questions, anyone can ask. But his "How can I change my perspective" was answered and not ignored.

DanielJ wrote: Neither I think now would trying to get her to change yield any relief

I don't believe that people really change by being pushed, and I don't like pushing anyway.

I know logically that she isn't doing anything on purpose

it's as if a switch is flipped in my mind when she does these things that turns on my irritability

In no way do I want to be anoyed with her

I suppose what I'm trying to ask is, from the Jedi point of view, or any point of view, can I change the way I perceive her actions and words, to not have that switch flipped? Can anyone think how I might achieve this?

Kamizu wrote: (I haven't read any of the replies so I apologize if I repeat someone)

Something you may try is speak with your other roommate. See if it's something you think you should be annoyed at or not. Honestly (depending on the level) I would be annoyed too. But I like my quiet

After that, hold a house meeting. Talk about it. Or if you'd rather do it unofficially and you think you can get through to the roommate you're having problems with, do that. Start a Roommate Agreement Contract (although I wouldn't go as far as Sheldon does in details haha) This'll alleviate the hypocrisy. "The living room TV will only be set to *volume* between the hours of X and Y. Between the hours of B and C, it will be set to *this other volume*." Set quiet hours, ground rules, exc exc. Since there's three of you, one can be the judge if there's a dispute between two of you. If you need to go this far, set consequences for rule breaking. Anything between extra (joint) chores to bringing home dinner or donuts, or extra long quiet hours. Or maybe a "Rule Breaker's Jar". $1 for a broken rule. When you have enough, order a pizza for everyone I'd say make it more 'fun' than strict where the consequences come in. You're all adults, no one is the mommy or daddy. Making them fun will make it easier to enforce, follow, and hopefully help alleviate disgruntled feelings.

Any conversation you hold, try to remember to be calm (the calmer you are, the calmer they will be) respectful, considerate, and companionate. I'm not saying you should give up everything and be miserable, but go in with an idea of what you're willing to surrender to peace and what you're not.

As far as the conversations between you two go, that's a little more difficult. I know when I have issues, I just want to rant about them to someone. This drives my husband up the wall because all he wants to do is fix things so he suggests fixes and all I want is sympathy. (and I'll go fix it later ) Maybe she's like me in that manner. Try making sympathetic noises next time and see how that goes.

If she's one of those talkers but never listens, I don' t know how to fix that other than limit contact. I know a few people like that. Annoys me but they are nice people. I just can't hang around them too much

so you didnt read the replies and had no way of knowing if the actual question had been answered, then you ignored the question that was asked and instead answered the one you wanted to answer, which he actually said specifically he DID NOT WANT TO DO, then you corrected me when i pointed out that no one was really addressing his actual question, and now youre saying that all this is perfectly normal and fine because several people answered the question already (which they didnt) and because you may have the experience to know that the answer he was asking for may not be the answer he really needs, which is a funny idea to have, that you would be better suited to know what is best for him than he himself,

and because someone else who didnt start the topic to begin with may need an answer to a different question than the one that the topic starter actually asked?

"im ignoring the question that you asked and i am going to give you advice on how to pursue a course of action that you specifically said you did not want to pursue, and i am doing this because i know whats best for you better than you do and JUST IN CASE there is someone is reading this who needs advice on how to do the thing that i want to talk about doing, which you said you didnt want to do"

i never said that you said that i singled anyone out, I WAS SIMPLY EXPLAINING WHY I FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT that when someone asks a specific question, and specifically says "i want suggestions on doing X, and i am NOT looking for ways to do Y", that people who respond would AT THE VERY LEAST actually answer the question that was asked -the X- before going on to giving advice about how to do the Y