Hi, my name is Heather and I have PTSD…….
Like many of us I suffer from a disability named Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Some of us have it from the Wars and Battles we have seen, some of us have it from past physical abuse, some of us have it from relationship issues….there are many factors that can contribute to it. Mine was from a motorcycle accident that almost killed me. I won’t go into details here but I’m more than willing to talk about it if folks want to ask.
Why do I bring this up? This has been a fight for me, as it has with so many other people I know, including my brother who is an Iraq War Veteran. The night terrors, the reliving the incident/incidents, the feelings of being alone, worthlessness while your mind completely tears you apart in fear and your family and friends stand there watching helplessly not understanding. Sometimes they get angry, sometimes they get frustrated. Sometimes it is enough to even ostracize yourself from those you love. Even suicide has been linked to PTSD because of the feelings of being a lone and not being able to handle it. It’s a dark path and one those of us that have PTSD deal with all the time. My husband who was in the accident with me does not have this; he was conscious the entire time and remembers most of it.
From that accident I have developed a fear of motorcycles; this is very difficult for me because my entire family including my husband are all bike riders, we are also members of the Patriot Guard. When I’m around a bike that is not on I’m okay but if that bike is started up and I feel the rumble it is enough to trigger my PTSD, especially if I hear it rev or brake. This was something I have dealt with now for almost three years and luckily I live in a climate where a person cannot ride 6-8 months of the year because of snow. During my apprenticeship my Master and I talked about it a lot. I have worked through a lot of demons with this. My night terrors are very infrequent now and I am able to wrangle my mind from that terrible place most of the time. Until last night. 2/14/16.
During the movie Deadpool…… I don’t know if you have seen it but it’s supposed to be a pretty funny adult comedy spoofing the Avenger/X-Men Universe and I was looking forward to it. A bunch of our friends all got together with us to watch it and then we were going to go out to dinner afterwards. In the beginning few minutes there was a chase scene with motorcycles. I was not prepared…….sometimes when I’m on the city street I can hear the bikes coming and I can get myself focused and centered. This time it hit out of the blue.
I missed most of the movie. It is hard to really truly describe what happens. I was frustrated and slightly angry with myself because my brain checked out. I couldn’t take it. Reliving the accident, the pain, the fear of the unknown, tears, shaking uncontrollably, not being able to catch my breath, all while everyone around me is laughing hysterically at this movie that I couldn’t open my eyes to see.
The visualization techniques that Phortis and I worked with kept me from falling on the ground. I try to clear my mind by trying to remember and repeat the code and creed over again over again, forcing myself to focus. I try desperately to find that spot my mind goes when I meditate all while my body is racked in fear and not responding to me. This black fog takes over my mind and keeping me from any kind of rational thought. It wasn’t until the very end of the movie I could even open my eyes and try to focus. By that point I had gotten my breathing under control for the most part and I could open my eyes but I was racked with uncontrollable shaking. As we walked out of the theater my friends asked if I was cold, because I was shaking so badly. The black fog still surrounding my mind I was acting as if I was on autopilot simply going through the motions of trying to be a human.
We got to the restaurant and still I was shaking. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. My husband smiled and said maybe I should get a beer to help with my nerves. I shook my head and all I could squeak out to order was some hot tea. For the next two hours I listened to my friends talk around me but I really wasn’t there, yet they carried on including me in the conversation as if I was fully there. They were supporting me even though I was one bad memory/noise from another PTSD attack. My husband’s hand never left mine, giving me a rock to focus on. By the time I could actually lift the mug with the tea in it was ice cold. The fog finally started to leave after that and I could actually hear the conversations going on around me in the busy bar. My breathing slowed and my shaking finally stopped. I was finally able to take a couple small bites of the pizza that my husband had ordered for me.
Sitting in my chair, watching my friends I felt myself removed from everyone, even my husband yet I felt supported because they all gave me comfort, they gave me the space I needed but every one of them would have been at my side instantly and I think when I realized that, it was when I finally was able to make the darkness go away. Had I gone home with my husband to be alone away from everything I think I would have been way worse because all I would have focused on was how angry I was at myself and that would trigger even more memories all spiraling downward.
I was not alone and neither are you. Here at the temple there are so many good people, don’t be afraid of the people here. We all fight demons, no matter what they are. The darkness can be scary but I found something to help with that, each other. Be the light for that person when they need that beacon in the dark. My master always has had a shoulder for me and I know many others here will too. Don’t be a afraid to ask for help if you need it.
I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite movies, Contact, because I feel it sums up what I’m trying to say perfectly. We are not alone.
“You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, each other.”
May the Force be with you all, always.
