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I could very well say "You are just fine the way you are", however this will not helpful. The matter here is the fact that you are not satisfied yet with your current state and wish to improve it.

So my thoughts (though I am no expert):

When we wish to adjust something with ourselves, we learn what it will take to adjust that part of us.

Example: If you wish to lose weight, have more self-esteem and confidence, going through a good workout routine and changing your diet can and should have a huge impact on this, given it is consistent over time. Many other issues than just the weight and esteem can also be affected in that, you worry less about those extra issues and are, instead, more inclined to find / create solutions for them, almost every time.

I shall have to talk further with you all of you, maybe on Skyep...

I just feel that something is missing....

but what?

Something missing? Such a common problem. What you are looking for is inside you. No amount of external changes will help. More money, more friends, sleeker body, admiration from others- they only help for a short while, then you get used to them (hedonistic adaption) and realise the 'something' is still missing. I have been a man of science and logic my whole life and only now see that there are things beyond this that are important. Probably my age! Change the inner you and let it permeate out rather than the other way round. It's cheaper too!

I like and admire your logic, if you have time please p m me,vidian....

Figure out what it is and just do it, I for one am really bad at putting things off and always dream about something that I COULD do rather than actually doing it, however, on the odd occasions that I actually manage to do it, it's very satisfying.

also you say that you want to take control of your "appearance and the way I present my myself". You shouldn't shed weight or pull on some expensive clothes to hide some sort of inner fear or uncertainty, however, most of the people here seem to quite comfortable with themselves. As such I would say there is nothing wrong with splashing out a bit, you can attack things for being materialistic or self-conscious but if you have nothing to hide and are happy with yourself, I don't see that you would be buying those things or doing that exercise as compensation for anything else.

I feel like i'm rambling and not being particularly helpful..so i'll stop now

Thank you Mace for your input.

I have started today by a nice long walk with a dear friend. I have taken my 6 bottles of wine and bottle of gin out of the house and stashed them in the shed fridge. (in the hope of OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND)

Though we are at a family BBQ today and I know I'll have a drink, I shall also be partaking of soft drinks too.

My middle daughter has a partner that she's off and on again with and I know that his lack of commitment to our gran daughter is a contributing factor as to my state of mind. Hence I have said he is NOT to be in mine and my husbands life. This person likes the title of DADDY but not the JOB.

Small steps to start with....... My road to change has commenced....

Good for you. One thing to remember: If you slip backwards don't look on it as a failure and give up (as I have witnessed many times). Consider if you succeed for 5 days and then go to pieces on the 6th you haven't failed, you have still succeeded for 5/6 of the time. Try for 6 out of 7 next time. Just try for more 'good' days than 'bad' and try to increase the number of 'good'. Small steps. Every second is a new begining.

Today I am going to for a 3 mile walk with 2 friends. I drank last but that was to unforeseen events that pushed me just one step to far. But back on the road to change today. I am just going to give myself small targets and go from there.

So today is a long walk and no carbs with proteins. Lets see how this day progresses.

Thats 3 mile walk felt like 5 miles. I am shattered but gonna do the same again tomorrow.