Exercising Mercy, Effectively

During my most recent re-watch of Revenge Of The Sith, something occurred to me.

It's the end of the final climactic lightsaber duel, when Obi-Wan slashes off Anakin's legs and allows him to fall close enough to the river of lava that his body ignites in flames. Obi-Wan is looking down at Anakin in despair, witnessing the rage that still burns in his eyes and his voice, even as his body is burning. "You were my brother, Anakin!" Obi-Wan cries. "I loved you!" And yet, Obi-Wan stands there, seemingly hopeless, as his former apprentice burns.

I have no doubt that, even if it wasn't made so obvious in the film, Obi-Wan could sense that there was no room left in Anakin's heart, in that moment, for redemption.

But what if, in that moment when Anakin responds with a berserker's scream, "I hate you!"... what if in that moment, Obi-Wan had ignored the danger, and reached out to pull Anakin to safety? Could such a bold act of mercy have been the kick in the head that made Anakin realize how far he had fallen?

Of course, alternate Star Wars storylines are fun to think about, but what I'm really trying to get at is how choosing an act of peace in response to an act of violence can force the latter to see with clarity what it is they are doing.

I'll try relating it with a personal story. Long before I was the person I am now, in the climax of my false and deluded phase of hypermasculine adolescence, when I was trying above all to deny who I truly am, I was actually a misogynistic jerk. Inwardly, in order to get myself into a mental space where I could pass myself off as any other male, I had to learn to coerce and control my femininity. What made that even more destructive was that I ended up trying to coerce and control the femininity of other women around me, as well, and this was the most toxic when I was in relationships with other girls.

I was at a current girlfriend's home once (let's call her Cassandra), and she got a text from her best friend. Already, I was preparing to subtly slander her friend, something I had been doing for a while, in the hopes that she would start to mistrust her friend, and that there would be one less person besides me to consume her attention, or to point out how emotionally manipulative I was being towards her. In retrospect, my slandering was probably a lot less subtle than I thought. She finished reading the text and told me that her friend wanted to go out with her that night. Telling myself that this was a betrayal of my feelings, and putting on an appropriately sullen attitude, I pointed out that she and I already had plans for the night. She said, "I know, but I hardly ever see her anymore!" Inside, I was fuming. I had been working on wedging myself between them to drive her friend off, and it had been working. If her friend was trying to interrupt our date, she was probably going to try to urge Cassandra to realize what I was doing to her, and what I was trying to do to her relationships with others. And she was - that night, she made Cassandra realize that I was clearly trying to isolate her and make her emotionally dependent on me. So without even really thinking about it, I immediately accused her friend of trying to do the very same thing. "She's just trying to ruin our date so that she can distance us from each other. You know she doesn't like me... and you know I don't trust her. So why do you?"

The conversation went on for a while, and as I became more and more vicious and accusing, she became more and more firm, to my bewilderment. I wasn't used to this resistance, I was used to her becoming docile and apologetic, and that was how I liked her. As I mentioned before, I was an ill person. I had no sense of self, no real spirit. I had been broken and twisted into a cancer. But she was resisting me that time. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum, counting on he idea that there was still a tether of dependence with which I could control her. "She wants you to be miserable and single like she is. You know I love you. Either you stop seeing her, or you stop seeing me. Period."

I didn't really love her, of course, but I love her now for the way she responded. "Michael (as I was known then), I know you're in pain, and afraid - I know how that feels. I know you want someone to help you, and I wanted to be that person. I'm not turning my best friend down this time. We have to start being honest, about ourselves and what we really want and need. You can leave me if you want to, but I'll always be here as your friend, no matter what happens to our relationship."

I was completely perturbed by this, but no longer because I was convinced I was right. Instead, I was troubled inside because I knew that I was wrong, and deep down I was convinced that I didn't deserve her empathy. But she gave it anyway.

When she said that to me, it was like waking up from a nightmare in which I was the monster. I finally could feel the shame that I needed to feel in order to have the desire to make amends.

Not all toxic circumstances can be alleviated through such an act of mercy, but I think some can. To have the wisdom and capacity to use this tool effectively is, I feel, a sign of mastery over one's own heart.

This very same philosophy lies near the heart of the non-violent protests advocated by Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It is clearly evident in the teachings of Jesus Christ and "turning the other cheek" as well. Showing mercy to those who do not deserve it can certainly contribute to disarming their hate.

Imagine, if you will, what it must have been like to be a Roman soldier tasked with crucifying a man, and hearing that man offer his forgiveness and love throughout the entire process. I would think that soldier might go home and re-evaluate his life after an experience like that.

first I feel.the most appropriate respons to your words is to take a moment to.tell you thank you for your candor

and thankmyou for teaching me courage by showing courage yourself
and forteaching me honesty by being honest

I want to express.that i see within your story thrsame story thst each of us must enact before we are able to shine the uniquely personal.version of the essential light which we all.share

please forgive me if I sound pretensious
I assure you iam not

the setting of your story is more epic than most of ours

from my perspective
its clear that the context of your story makes for a much more confusing and painful setting than most of us face

but this is what makes so exceptional
both the gift that you were given
and the gift that you are

something that I hope.will.help you in your life is th e knowledge that it is the extra ordinary nature of your pain
and isolation that makes the gift that you are to the world so extraordinary

when i say that the story that you enact
is the same as the story we all must enact
it is not a denial of your uniqueness
but the proof of it
the contextual backdrop which makes it so extraordinary.

something has happEned to the human organism which blinds us from our light

we have some kind of poison in us
which makes us belive at a fundamental level
that our own light is not sufficient
as if a candle is made less worthy
because of the magnificence of the stars

and in your journey to free yourself of this poison
and to thereby realiize the sufficiency of your own light
you offer an abstract gift to its all;
the knowledge that such a thing can happen

the journey itself is a gift only to you
you have to earn the experience of living in your light
by releasing -of your own accord- the poison that blinds you from it

in a way it can be said
the more poison we release
the brighter our light will shine
so we work very hard for the light that we shine
all of us
and our work gives us the right to shine anywhere and everywhere
that is the gift our lives give to us

knowing that it can be done
knowing that someone has done it
or at least that they have a chance at doing it
is proof that I also can do it
that is your gift to us
that is your gift to me

I would like for you to know
that I am very grateful to you
for the gift that you are

the gift that you have given me


EDIT
the reason all this that I said is relevent isbecauseits the mercy we show ourselves which first allows our light to shine

Thank you both! And yes, it's also good to consider how such a thing can scale up to be an action that takes place across an entire society, as well. To be firm, but forgiving, is an amazing thing. Judgement, yet Mercy.