Let's Discuss Effective Communication

What are some characteristics in communication (particularly online where we cannot hear tone or observe body language) that you find helps you best understand and possibly even get behind another's views in any general discussion?

An open mind. I understand that I do not know everything, even about the things I may consider myself competent. It is entirely possible that another person has a keener perspective, or at least, a different angle to approach. When I bat people down it shuts out the possibility of learning something new. On top of that, even in the worse case scenario of what they have to say being useless or demeaning, I still learn more about them.

When I say open mind, I mean I don't bother with right or wrong. I just want to take in what is being presented.

I'm going to be completely honest here: I try not to be a "grammar Nazi" or "spelling snob," but if I can't make out what someone's trying to say, I'm going to have a hard time agreeing with him or her. I realize that puts me at risk of favoring the opinions of those who are fluent in English, and all I can do is try my best to counteract that internally.

I find there are a few things that help.

First is paragraphing. Nothing is more off putting than a wall of text, a single large block that takes over the screen. Thoughts, I find, should always be separated into their own paragraphs so to present, explain, and conclude complete thoughts without becoming lost in the dreaded wall of text.

Secondly, punctuation (and just general grammar). I'm not going to be a grammar nazi, if someone makes a minor mistake I'll let it slide. But a sentence can be made or broken by its grammar and/or punctuation. Double negatives, run on sentences, et cetera... they really irk me and I, subconsciously, find myself glazing over their thoughts in favour for more well structured statements.

Finally, stressing of certain words. Without the spoken medium, or any body queues to go off of, the meaning of certain sentences can be lost because the focus of the sentence gets mistaken. I find this can be avoided if one takes advantage of certain tools. My three favourite tools to do this are the bold, underline, and italicise tools. They can be used to draw attention to certain words. I commonly use the italicise tool to put stress on certain words. <-- See what I did there?

Yes, people have varying abilities when it comes to structuring posts. I had a lot of experience with doing such, having written books. But I do not think it too hard to learn how to become better at this structuring, even if just by studying posts one finds excellently laid out.

I find it helpful when people go out of their way to focus on the specific topic being discussed, rather than making comments that involve their interpretations of what other people are writing. To that end, I strive for clarity whenever possible (and even then, I often end up looking back at posts I've made and realizing all the little ways that they could be misread). I also try not to post when I am having a strong reaction, and that's actually one of the things about online communication that's easier than conflicts in-person. Online, I can just leave the conversation alone if I'm feeling even slightly passionate, and come back to it once I've cooled down and forgotten why I should be peeved. I've taken to simply ignoring posts that detract from the main point of the thread, too.

Otherwise, I tend to try and assume that the other person is being completely honest and earnest, even when what they've written seems to be aggressive or confrontational (or snarky, or sarcastic, or mean, or exasperated, or whatever). It's not possible for me to remain neutral in my perception at all times (there are some subjects, like racism and sexism, where my being neutral when someone else is being bigoted just isn't going to happen) but most of the time things work out alright. And, when they don't, I focus on actively ignoring the troublemakers by posting responses only to the main thread, and never directly acknowledging anyone trying to derail things.

I try to write longer posts, for clarification, and respond in a relatively neutral tone (I hope it can be read this way, at least) or one which focuses on specifically positive things. Saying "I love that," or "I like how you put that," or "I'm excited about this because," are all ways to keep the focus on something positive.

The hardest part for me in internet communication is when I lay a tone over what I'm reading. A good writer can go far in inflicting tone of 'voice' in what they write, it's something I've practiced for a long time when writing stories so as long as I'm careful, I feel I do a pretty good job saying what I mean in the way I mean. But I STILL get some reading implied things that don't exist between the lines

And on the reverse, I have a habit of assuming tone. It's human nature, it's how we're taught to communicate (voice/tone/body language/facial expressions) and I wouldn't doubt it's in our biological programing somewhere. So what I try to do is step back and read the words for the words. Yes, sometimes there is venom in the words, but in many cases, spitting venom back doesn't do much. If I can separate the perceived (or implied) tone, I can look for the information instead. It (in theory) gives something to talk about. It's a "don't rise to the bait" kind of idea.

Next step is, if I don't already feel I understand them, either ask questions or restate the idea in my own words and ask if I'm anywhere near the target. This (in theory) shows your conversational partner that you're trying to listen to them and understand them. Even if I think I do understand them, I'll sometimes still use the restating to either make sure I'm on key, or to show that I AM listening.

Words mean things (-Steamboat) but language does shift and sometimes only regionally. Not assuming the tone or use behind a word can help disarm problems before they start. (assuming that it was unintentional lol)

Communicating is a partnership. Sometimes it takes more effort on one side than the other to do it effectively. And damn human emotions for being unreasonable and easy to get riled up!! Emotions are important to recognize, not suppress. But usually I can acknowledge and communicate those emotions without striking out. A big way to do that is to start with "I feel". (btw this is great for using with SOs). "You are ignoring me!" where they'll take it as an attack instead of "I feel like you're ignoring me" places the hurt in squarely in my court.

I'm finding that assumptions are the snipers of intention when it comes to my own communication. The only combat I see for now and practice for effective communication is to rid the assumptions of space in my communication.
Example :

My intention is not to get you to think I'm right - but tell you the number 2 in my opinion is the color red.
Example : only


What is assumed - if I can identify it - can be minimalised some times by stating what I say isn't this or that - but it's hard to predict what some one will assume some times. I'm still trying to work on a good way of practice so if anynome has good examples of real life time usable examples I'm all ears !

I like to observe if the last point is the message, and the earlier verbiage is the chewing sounds. Because I know that is usually how I write (something I'm trying to clean up).
A formalized way of that would be to start with the last sentence, and then read the whole thing from the top as an effort to form up that summation, by the author - for me to try and assert the nature of their intent, all before coming up with my reply or working out what I might contribute.
Sort of a tuning in process, as a form of signal reception. So any reply is more coherent and we're just not swapping white noise backwards and forewards.

I'm also on team formatting and grammar. Give the benefit of the doubt, and don't post snark
Also brevity or include a Tldr
Edit: also try and not include quote chains and break quotes into bite size pieces so you can address the quote point by point

A lot of people here are not native english speakers, are they to be excluded from participating because their grammar and punctuation are not up to scratch? Surely that is not what is meant by discussing effective communication , lot of the above mentioned preferences are exclusive and i think the idea is for communication to be inclusive..

So what can you do so someone you talk to feels more understood and how can you get your message across on the level of the person you are adressing?