So again I had another blowout, as I was preparing for work I was walking to my vehicle and my dogs didn't want me to go. They began scratching at the door until they got it to open and the they darted out into the darkness.
Once I realized that they had gotten out I got upset because I have two older teenagers sitting relatively to the door that they should have heard and stopped the dogs from scratching. When I walk in and point out the dogs have run off and then go out to try and see where they went, both teens continue to go about whatever but certainly not attempting to help me with the dogs . A bit of searching without success and I go back inside extremely pissed off.
The children scatter like roaches in the light and I continue to boil. I go back out one more time tearing up the neighborhood trying to find my dogs so that I can kill them!
I spot them and force my truck to spin out and point my lights right at them. I yell, "Get your asses home now!" And the two of them race back home to the front door. I go to open it to let them in and now it's locked. I come unhinged to the point my neighbor shouts, "That's it, I'm calling the cops."
On my drive into work I began rationalizing my anger and it's usefulness in that moment. It was an utter failure, fails upon fails upon failure. So as I am driving I simply practice my breathing techniques in an impromptu meditation cycle.
I know how I failed in this moment,but nothing can be done to change that moment. I can change the next opportunity when it arises.
I read in "Path of the Jedi" that younglings are required to meditate at least 5 times a day. I believe this is where I must be as well. To draw out the darkness within so that I can face it head on.
