The Policy of Truth

Depeche Mode wrote: You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through

It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

A lot of people I've met have been adamant in telling me that truth should be non-negotiable in a relationship. Granted, most people who insist on fully disclosing one's past to their SO tend to be young, and thus don't have much of a past to worry about disclosing, but I know a few people who are older and still insist to tell (and to know) absolutely everything.

On the other hand, I know plenty of people (including a few friends that are psychologists), that state that some things are better kept to yourself; sometimes it can even be selfish to practice full disclosure, as it serves only to alleviate the burden from the teller and places it on the shoulders of the tell-ee, which can intensify existing insecurities.

What are your experiences with truth and disclosure to your SO? Thoughts?

I think some things are on a "need to know" bases , it can be shocking and unnescessary indeed to tell your loved ones everything , esp if it is not relevant for the functioning of the relationship. I must be honest that i do stay open to tell everything but not just like that , thats weird to me :laugh: Asked about something , i dont lie ...

If you think it's kinder not to say, keep it to yourself. If asked, you're entitled to say "I'd rather not talk about that". But don't lie.

the truths that people are entitled to from each other mostly come down to what to reasonably expect in the relationship - even that is hard enough sometimes lol

we really dont need the whole check list of each other's partners and positions, and deeds and misdeeds of personal histories

what we share with each other is a privilege more than a right, and it is the insecure and immature who demand to know everything - not that it isnt ok to be insecure or immature, thats what growing up is about lol

but noi we dont owe each other full disclusure of the past

it does help sometimes to explain why we see things a certain way or why we behave a certain why in certain instances, not in the sense of using the past as an excuse but just of shedding light on idiosyncrasies

ive come to realize ( and accept) that if you tell people more than they need to know, especially if you tell them too soon, they dont always know how to handle it, and if you ask people more than they really want to share, you set yourself up to be lied to

i do believe in being generally truthful - the more dishonesty and misrepresentation that you allow into a relationship, the less likely it will be for the relationship to thrive

but allowing each other the room to disclose as we see it and feel comfortable is the wiser and more respectful course

give them the benefit of the doubt if they are with you that they WANT to be with YOU

dont worry about their past, evaluate them for how you see them behaving now and how they treat you now

As a Jedi and a user of the word syncritism ... I often am placed in front of the same confrontation. My own balance allows many "truths" to be valid at the same moment. Most of the offense I find is when, and hold on a and follow me here... is when one truth needs singularity to exist. We all have a different definition of truth as different from each path represented. I'm a believer in the individual so "truth" of things is after the meetings of different truths for me. What will emerge from different truths present. In the mix with others...then it seems some truths are less er than others

I think there was an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" which covers this topic quite well. When Robin and Ted are dating he edits all of his stories about his exes to be about his sister instead, which makes a few of them very awkward. :ohmy: Robin says that it's silly to pretend that they haven't been in relationships in the past. They're adults, they've dated before. Ted then later goes out of his way to point out a girl he hooked up with once while they were at the bar. Robin gets very upset saying that she doesn't want to know that.

What this illustrates is that there is a time and a place for everything. Don't edit your past, that's lying, but don't bring up the past if it's not relevant. It's the past, unless it is actively informing the present it doesn't belong here.

Also, that the character of Ted Mosby was kind of an idiot. :laugh:

Truth is a very malleable animal. I might be someone else after taking a different point of view, having an insight about myself or other people, thinking about how I see things versus how the world sees things, considering how people who dislike me might interpret my actions... but I do not tell untruths. People I interact with understand about me rather quickly that I can come up with fifteen different points of view on a subject before breakfast is served and hold none of them.

So I ask people how much they want to know, then attempt to respond to that, or I artfully attempt to withhold as requested. I don't really have much to hide, by my "normal" isn't everyone else's.

Anyone who would be frightened away by the events of my past wasn't meant to be anyway, you know? Not everyone is going to roll with your rickshaw.

Bah, I am probably the wrong person to ask since I haven't been in a lasting relationship in over two years and the man I fell in love with moved away before I could tell him how I felt about him.

That said, I can say from personal experience that any relationship: friendship, lover, partner, etc. should have boundaries and that includes what information about your life and your past you share. When you're young and in love, the tendency can be to share everything and anything, constantly unloading every scrap of information about yourself to the other person. That's not necessarily healthy for a relationship. Why? Because it loses its organic development and that can really stifle the relationship because there's no discovery, no growth in communication, and there may be things about yourself that you're really not ready to say.

I think it's healthy to say, "there are things about myself I'm not ready to talk about" but it's important to be honest that that's what is happening. If you make up excuses or flat-out lie about yourself, that's a big no-no. Someone who cares, someone who respects you and the boundaries you've set for yourself will understand that it's not a race to find out everything about you.

I've been in many relationships. In them my past/honesty has been very selective. This was practiced because i knew that our relationship would be short lived.

Now that i'm in a relationship with a person that will be my "Life partner". We have an agreement and an understanding that we will be totally honest with each other. I made this agreement with them because I trust that they respect me in a way that they know what I deem private or sensative. We have been in a relationship just shy of a year and we have shared some very intimate things that we have never shared with anyone else. I trust my partner. We both understand that there are plenty of things that we do not yet know about each other, whether they be stories, concerns, feelings or ideas, we allow each other room to grow and not feel guarded.

So far if a question is asked and the other doesn't feel like they are ready to answer, there is no pressure given. (What's dope is that my partner JUST NOW sent a voice message via text to me out the blue saying "I love you Baby, that's all you need to know". The timing is so on point) (when not here, i feel like they be looking over my shoulder)(we so much in tune, it's scary) But, usually after a short meditation or contemplation the question is answered.

I do think that the "Policy of truth" will vary for each couples relationship and it's really up to them to come to an understanding on where the lines are drawn. But, as for me (I havn't always been this way) i'm thankful to have a partner that I feel can protect and respect my "intimates" just as well as I do them (And vice versa).

I'm a few months off a 20 year anniversary :ohmy: and I can agree some things belong only in the past, perhaps.
I say 'perhaps' because I tend towards full disclosure... at least with the closest personal relationships.

But I try not to expect it of others (unless it relates to the present!!!). Others actions define themselves so I leave that to them besides a bit of probing to reveal the boundaries
:evil:

In regards to present or otherwise relevant circumstance then the extent and nature of disclosure about hidden truths really dictates the future extent of trust I'd exert... "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" sort of thing. In contrast to lies, which I dislike a heap. People who lie enough seem to get so caught up in keeping up with their own lies to cover themselves that they end up losing themselves in the web of deceit! I like a simple life
:woohoo: