Despair

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24 Nov 2020 21:47 #356475 by rugadd
Despair was created by rugadd
What can you tell me about your experiences with despair?

rugadd
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25 Nov 2020 05:51 #356488 by dwagoonie
Replied by dwagoonie on topic Despair
How do you want it described? Logically, emotionally, metaphorically?

I am not who I was back then, but it still lingers in the way it has impacted my worldview and interactions with people. I continue to work through the past in hopes of a better future, one that is "normal" whatever that may be. Happier at least. But what one experiences in the past never fully leaves them, no matter what they do. You hear "just get over it", or "just focus on the future not the past". But the future is the outcome of the experiences of the past, so you cannot ignore these things. What I am today and who I will be tomorrow is due to the past I have experienced. As it is with you and anyone else.

Meditations, healings, cognitive behavior training, mindfulness - etc, etc, etc. They are all very useful with coping. But that is what it is, coping. One does not "get over" their happy memories. One does not "get over" their bad ones either. They learn to cope, re-program behavior and thinking, and move on to a future made by better choices.

Logically: There is no logic in despair. There is thinking, to be sure, but it is not logical. It seems logical. Despair has a way of twisting how we perceive the world around us. It takes the laughter of a group of people passing by and makes it a personal enemy - you vs. them. It twists the physical senses to observe differently. A well lit room is seen as, and remembered as, dim and darkened. Holding a hand over a flame is withstood despite the pain from it. If a person is pushed, the physical becomes stronger from the anger that suddenly bursts out of hiding, but then leaves the body feeling like it’s been hit by a semi.

Emotionally: It is the physical feeling of emptiness in the gut, like a hole. It is shielding yourself so that you are invisible to everyone around you so you can be alone even in a crowd. It is the absence of any other emotion other than the flare of pure rage that escapes its cage every 6 to 12 months because it cannot be bound and hidden any longer. It is feeling pure Melancholy and considering it “beloved”. It is cutting and using physical objects to pierce the skin so you feel “something” because you have lost the ability to feel emotions.

Metaphorically: Silence. The flipping of a page in a quiet room. The ticking of a clock under the full moon and nothing else exists. The wafting of a single curtain as a breeze brushes in from outside. Nothing else exists. Silence and a single event, nothing else. The breath escaping the chest that is heavy with sadness and nothing else exists. Sitting in the nothingness alone and quiet, the only world is the room you hide away in because it is safe. The door locked, the lights out, just the sound of your breathing in the void.

* As I said, it never quite leaves you no matter how much progress away from it you have made.

(Leaves a bright yellow rose in the middle of the darkness)


Journals:
. IP
. Apprentice
. Personal
. Book of Healing
. Degree Journal

TM : Zero

“Life is a sum of all your choices; So, what are you doing today?
― Albert Camus”
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25 Nov 2020 06:36 #356489 by Adder
Replied by Adder on topic Despair
In need of repair :huh:

Knight ~ introverted extropian, mechatronic neurothealogizing, technogaian buddhist. Likes integration, visualization, elucidation and transformation.
Jou ~ Deg ~ Vlo ~ Sem ~ Mod ~ Med ~ Dis
TM: Grand Master Mark Anjuu

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25 Nov 2020 16:08 #356493 by Rex
Replied by Rex on topic Despair
Despair for me was dealing with uncertainty. It was family members with a poor but unknown prognosis. It was at my job putting in work above and beyond my role to fix a problem which ended up being caused by an issue originating in another group.

I can accept it whenever something is outside of my control, but it's the waiting and uncertainty which really are my weakness

Knights Secretary's Secretary
Apprentices: Vandrar
TM: Carlos Martinez
"A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes" - Wittgenstein
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27 Nov 2020 02:22 - 27 Nov 2020 02:56 #356521 by OB1Shinobi
Replied by OB1Shinobi on topic Despair
I could give you a guided tour.
Despair is when youre treading water in the ocean in the middle of the night during a terrible storm and close to a rocky shore. Youre alive for the moment but you see where this is going. The water keeps pulling you under just to lift you up and drop you. Its either going to batter you long enough that you cant hold your breath anymore or it will drag you out into the deep sea where if youre lucky youll drown - but if youre not lucky, you’ll be eaten alive by the sharks. Or it will draw you down to the sandy bottom in order to lift you up and slam you onto the rocks until your body is broken, unconscious, and limp. Despair is when every foreseeable future results in failure and annihilation.
Thats the short version of despair.

How to deal with it is another question altogether.

People are complicated.
Last edit: 27 Nov 2020 02:56 by OB1Shinobi.
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