Anger Management

  • Trose
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28 Nov 2012 04:23 #81658 by Trose
Anger Management was created by Trose
So here is my problem. I have anger issues, severe anger issues actually. I'm one of those people that tends to bottle things up, when it gets loose it usually spells bad news for those around me. I need to learn to control it, barring actual anger management sessions. I know everyone gets angry, it happens, it's part of this world but when you start pushing away the people you love that's when you have a real problem. I don't want to go to anger management because I don't think my insurance pays for it and I don't make enough to provide for my family and do the sessions. I know I need to find a way but it's hard when you make just enough to pay bills, after overtime. Any advice on how you deal with your personal anger is appreciated. Anything I can learn takes me one step closer to managing my temper. Baby steps are often times the best.

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  • Williamkaede
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28 Nov 2012 04:44 #81660 by Williamkaede
Replied by Williamkaede on topic Anger Management
I've never done an anger management session, so I can't talk about them. But as far as I can see, you need to tailor it to your needs. What makes you angry? Remove it from your life, if it can be removed.

Minimise worries. Don't take on things which add unnecessary stress. Take a new approach to things. If something doesn't really matter, don't LET it matter. Control is the name of the game. Be patient. Take a second, exhale, inhale, exhale. Don't let anger rule you.

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  • Omhu Cuspor
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28 Nov 2012 05:11 #81661 by Omhu Cuspor
Replied by Omhu Cuspor on topic Anger Management
I don't know if this will work, Trose, but I do have a thought. To frame this properly, I first need to share a story about someone whom I once knew personally.

Many years ago, this person had a problem with both alcohol and rage, and of course indulging in one often led to indulging in the other. The most frequent target of his outbursts was his wife, and for several years their marriage was brutal. After enduring the abuse for a very long time, she finally left him. I'd estimate between his first violent attack and the beginning of the divorce, about five or six years had elapsed. While possessed of a strong temper, he also had human vulnerabilities, and the breakup was agonizing for him.

Within a year or two, he remarried. In his new marriage, his behavior was better for awhile, but during one particular argument he hit his new wife (fortunately not causing lasting damage). She responded much differently than his first wife, and let him know in no uncertain terms that if he ever did that again, even once, she'd leave immediately. Her strategy worked; he never lashed out again.

What had to happen to curb at least the expression of his extreme anger (though whether its actual presence diminished I do not know) was the clear threat of losing something important to him. In his first marriage, that threat was not so clear, especially after he'd lashed out a time or two and then had things return to normal for awhile. Once it was clear there would be significant consequences to his behavior, he found the ability to change his behavior. That's not the same as changing the feeling, but at least it's a start.

And, as you can see, even in his first marriage the consequences eventually manifested. It just took a longer time.

The same will be true for you, which I'm sure you know. The tolerance of some people is greater than others, but nobody's tolerance for that sort of thing is infinite. What you may need is some way of making those consequences seem real right in those moments when anger starts to overcome you, so your incentive to avoid lashing out can quickly be diminished.

For that, I'd suggest trying a technique that's reminiscent of Neurolinguistic Programming (about which I am not an expert, or even an advocate - but I think it might help in this situation). As close as you can to once each day, take a few minutes to be alone. Imagine yourself in a situation where you are angry as best you can, and (most importantly!) adopt a physical posture that is characteristic for you when anger begins to control your actions. Perhaps you clench your fists, or wave your arms, or hunch forward, or your facial expression changes. Almost certainly there will be muscles that tense up. Get into that physical posture, and while you hold it in these moments when the anger is just an act, think vividly of what your anger could cause you to lose. Perhaps it would be closeness to a family member, or an employment situation, or a friendship, or something else (or all of these in combination). Spend at least a full minute in the angry posture, concentrating on these things and the sense of loss they will cause you to feel. Then - let it go. Shake out your hands, do a few neck rolls, walk in place for a few seconds, and turn to something lighter. But do this each day that you can.

What can happen is that your inner mind begins to associate that angry posture with loss, instead of conquest or release or whatever the association is now. That may lead you to more quickly turn away from explosive behavior, when a time comes that real anger starts to arise in you.

No guarantees, but - this suggestion at least can't hurt, and it's free.

I hope this is of some help, and that some other useful advice shows up here too. May the Force be with you.

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  • Phortis Nespin
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28 Nov 2012 10:50 #81672 by Phortis Nespin
Replied by Phortis Nespin on topic Anger Management
In my youth, I had a very bad temper. I would not physically hurt people but break things. After having broken enough stuff in my life I realized that I needed to change myself. The problem is that we often do not know how or what the real issue is that triggers our emotional outbreak. It was my luck that I had friends and a girlfriend at the time that pointed out when and what the triggers were.

You may not be able to do this alone and by you asking here is a sign of your committment to change. Seek out your trusted friends and or family members and have this conversation with them. Ask them to help you identify your issues and investigate control methods. Do I still get angry...most definately, but it is controlled and measured.

What works for me may not work for you so I will not go into detail about what I did. It is for you to learn your own mind and to seek out control methods that work for you. I have attached some websites that may help in your quest to free yourself from the excess anger that boils over into the lives of others.

You must remember this, You Do Not Have The Right To Enter Into Someone Elses Life Unless Invited! Whether it be to talk, the love, to punish of inflict harm. Everyone has the the rights to their own body and therefore may sue another if harm is inflicted upon them.

A mantra to repeat to yourself...

Do unto others that which you would have done to yourself!

Websites:
www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00102
www.anger-management-techniques.org/
www.angermanagementgroups.com/Skills.html

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  • Trose
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28 Nov 2012 13:08 #81680 by Trose
Replied by Trose on topic Anger Management
I want to thank you all for the help and for any whom post after this I find it to be a great help and release to just talk about it but the advice is astounding and eye opening. I will take your words to heart and try the methods listed so far. I have never been physical with anyone out of anger, and I refuse to get to the point where I no longer have control and fly off in a blind rage. It is my hope that your advice will show me a route to controlling this before I lose all that is precious to me. Again thank you, and May the Force be With You All

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28 Nov 2012 17:36 #81697 by RyuJin
Replied by RyuJin on topic Anger Management
not so long ago i would become wrath incarnate, i'd smash and destroy anything around me, and had no friends or allies :evil: ...all were targets for the blind rage...even those that were trying to help me...talking to me was pointless as i couldn't even speak...just grunt, growl, etc...fully feral, sometimes i wouldn't even stand upright, instead "pouncing" at my targets and just outright being more animal than person...over time i learned to channel and redirect this part of me...it's still there, it just doesn't take over as easily...i found that having a punching bag helped greatly...an actual punching bag, not some poor fool that just happened by :laugh:

of course what works for one may not work for all...fortunately for you, there are plenty of people able and willing to offer aid, and you sought out methods to learn control...you will overcome this, it just takes effort ;)

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J.L.Lawson,Master Knight, M.div, Eastern Studies S.I.G. Advisor (Formerly Known as the Buddhist Rite)
Former Masters: GM Kana Seiko Haruki , Br.John
Current Apprentices: Baru
Former Apprentices:Adhara(knight), Zenchi (knight)

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28 Nov 2012 18:29 #81704 by Jestor
Replied by Jestor on topic Anger Management
You said "baby steps"...

This is what worked for me, well, Im not 'cured', but I no longer lash out in anger as often, so sometimes, we have to take our victories as we have them...;)

Not looking for the "result", but looking for the "way", checking on your path...;)

Trying to catch yourself before you explode takes practice...

Right now, reading this, it is easy to not get angry...

In traffic, behind some guy who just cut you off is a little harder...

But how else are you to practice? You can only practice it when the opportunity presents itself...

Just like you cant practice playing the piano, without a piano...

If, after you are mad, you start saying, "ugh, why did I act like that" You are ready...

Now, try to get faster on your reaction of not getting mad... Next time, instead of yelling WTF, you might catch it with WT...heck is the matter with him....

Each progrssive step, is still a step in the positive direction... And if you slip, and blow up, forgive yourself, and double up your efforts...:)

Sounds easy to write, and read... And trust me, I do know how hard it is to implement...

I still yell at those people who are in my way when I am late...:whistle:

On walk-about...

Sith ain't Evil...
Jedi ain't Saints....


"Bake or bake not. There is no fry" - Sean Ching


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Former Memeber of the TOTJO Council
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Current Apprentices: Viskhard, DanWerts, Llama Su, Trisskar
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  • Wendaline
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28 Nov 2012 19:21 #81714 by Wendaline
Replied by Wendaline on topic Anger Management
Maybe try asking your self WHY certain things make you angry? Dive deep down and ask why does it make me angry when so and so says this or does that? Finding the root of the matter can sometimes be helpful, especially when you find out that maybe it's not that big of deal or that it's fixable/understandable.

One thing I've found helpful is realizing other people's actions and words aren't personal. Just because they're angry or upset doesn't mean I have to be. Remember the emotions you came in with and don't let other people's energy cloud your own (unless everyone's happy and having fun...that kind of energy is pretty good.)

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  • Reliah
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28 Nov 2012 20:59 #81720 by Reliah
Replied by Reliah on topic Anger Management
I've been through several types of therapy through out my life for various reasons and found that self-help books/workbooks are the most helpful thing for me. I found one called The Anger Busting Workbook . I'm sure you would be able to find a long list of similar books, if you are interested.

May the Force be with you, Trose. Good luck :)

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  • Trose
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29 Nov 2012 00:11 #81732 by Trose
Replied by Trose on topic Anger Management
I will look into those work books isn't know they existed. What type of punching bag heavy or speed? Thanks again for all the support makes me feel much better about all this

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