This is a topic that, despite my brains best effort, I can't quite figure out how to form the thoughts into something coherent. So here is my best shot...

Recently, I have been faced with an interesting moral concept. This is a topic that I thought I could answer no problem. To me, my seemingly robotic answer, was just the right and natural thing to say. And so I was tested. Young, stupid, and so terribly nieve about, basically everything, I hard charged into this mission face first and got slapped.

So for 3 years my answer was called into question...How did i REALLY feel about life? Not just my own, but others as well. I ALWAYS presumed to myself that all life was precious and that killing was wrong and the standard robotic answer most people often give. And i'm not just talking your physical bodies life either. I mean the entire life as a whole. Your mind, your body, your soul, your heartbeat, the blood running through your veins, people you affect, their lives, etc...

I was trained and molded to feel nothing about life. I am expected to maintain the mission and when someone falls dead, be it my brothers and sisters or the enemy, when I walk past povety stricken, starved individuals crying out to be killed to end their suffering, i am simply supposed to turn the other cheek until the mission is complete and de-briefed. I may not have raised my weapon but I am STILL repsonsible for the deaths of many. That's the nature of the game and i'm nothing more than a pawn for the slaughter. I had no problem with this. It's as if someone flicked on a switch and said kill kill kill, and when we were done, i went back to preaching all life is precious. I began to feel nothing. It's a total numbness that consumes you like fire.

And then it happened. We went to war in Asia. And i know what we did. And i know what they did. And not a single moment of it felt ok. Asia was a reality of life, i honestly wasn't prepared to face. I had to the opportunity to travel that whole region of the world with friends. And without getting on a soapbox about it, those people are suffering, but in the same turn around...they aren't. It's a very precarious sword. I walked down the streets of Manilla, in the Phillipines and there we saw a man crying. Holding his young son in his arms. Clean, well dressed, and polite we approached this man. He was filthy from head to toe. As was his son. And then we saw his son's leg...cut completely open with the beginnings of a nasty infection. So we asked the man why his son didn't go to the hospital a few blocks away becuase his leg would probably have to be removed if allowed to continue in that manner. He just cried and explained that he had no money for a doctor. So we took the man, had a Corpsman with us who picked up the boy, and we walked him to the hospital. Then each of us gave the man and his son 200 pesos. All he could do was stare in amazement at us. But then he fell to his knees at our feet and blessed us over and over for our deed. To us, it was no big deal. This family clearly needed help fast and we had the means to provide help. To this man and his son...it probably changed their whole life.

And you're saying to yourself, well that's a good thing! You saved lives! But what you aren't hearing is the hundreds of screams from lives I took. Lives i've endangered. Precious lives. It's enough to drive anyone into insanity. I do what they tell me must be done, but I also live with the haunting stares of spouses, children, families who's brother, sister, aunt, mother....i just took away from them.

So how do i REALLY feel about life? For every life I am responsible for taking, i try to give one life back to someone who can not do it for themselves. And i'm not just talking about enemies lives, or civilian casualites in our wars of men lives...My own Marine...my brother...someone who stood by me from day one of training till now...held is dying brother who had been blown up in his gun turret by an IED. Cut in half...held him while he died a physical death. Came back from Afganistan, and I saw my brother die. And nothing I can do can save what is left of him anymore. Empty shell of a person i once knew now. He trudges on, like a robot being whipped. No drive and purpose anymore.

The man in the phillipines, the war in asia, my brother...each and every single memory of those lives haunts me in my sleep. So i struggled and still somewhat struggle with my own answer. But now, I don't have the robotic "all life is precious answer and of course killing is wrong..." i've seen the many faces of death in just 3 years. Before you post, i challenge you to meditate and REALLY think about how you feel about life. Most may never have the experiences like the ones above, and those are just a few of many, but when you feel the pang of a life lost, what do you REALLY feel?

I am at work and don't really have time to think much about the topic. Patience is a virtue of the Jedi, but currently I feel a great need to throw my thoughts out. With just a Notpad, no spellcheck, no spellcraft. Because I'm afraid that the moment will go away and the answers will not be honest.
Sad. I feel sad and confused. As for you being a Master I expected that you will help me abouth that Precious Life. It seams that I shall now try to help you instead. Part of the message is hidden for the guests. Please log in or register to see it. For it is respect that counts. If you make them just another trophy, another number, another notch on your rifle, you did not kill an enemy, you sloughtered another human being.
I know some people here doesn't like comparitions with Star Wars but I do and I will. If you break down a SW Jedi, remove all cinematic atractions and special efects, at the end you get a Jedi. And look at what he does. Don't you do the very same thing? If you do, you don't destroy human lives, you kill enemies.
I didn't have time to read your novice journal, now i will, but I know that for you to become a Jedi knight you had to Break down the Code. Go back then and read it.
I you do what is written, you do not destroy lives, you kill your enemies.

Every single one in this Temple gives more than receives, or is here to guidance to do that in the future, so are you. As I always say, be a everyday hero. There aren't little boys with injured legs on our street, but there are oportunities believe me. And to finish with a quote that deserves to be on the end of my emotional fountain:


All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

Gandalf,
J.R.R. Tolkien,
Fellowship of the Ring
Second chapter, "The Shadow of the Past"

Hmm..Interesting where you went with this. Such was not my intention but your answer is honest and candid just like i asked it to be. However, this response is very robotic still, and not what i am seeking entirely. I do not struggle with knowing the answer, as i have always known it...rather i struggle WITH the answer i have arrived at. I base a lot off of these words:

Forgiveness
Love
Leadership
Authority
Nurture
Integrity
Humor
Fairness
Justice
Listen
Unselfishness

As for my "novice journal", i'm afraid you will never find it here. My training pre-dates the current system. However, if the council deems it necessary i would be more than happy to provide them with all of my training transcripts (if Master Dan still has them XD..that was a while ago under an older system).

Also..allow me to clarify. I am not limiting this to human life by any means. I know it reads that way, but that is not the case.

War Beauty,

As a Jedi, you should remember that what has past should not be dwelled upon. Your feelings are based on your past feelings. You cannot go back and change who you were and how you viewed the world. At that time you felt you were doing service to your country and to the freedom of all people throughout the world.

As we break down the myths of our past and open our hearts and minds to the Force, we think more of the whole as we realize that all the humans, animals and the universe as a fact are ONE. In this true image you are now “feeling” the essence of the Force and do not wish to take life. This is the here and now and you must move forward with the Force as your ally.

Those who choose to forget the past are doomed to repeat it, BUT, You should not forget the past as long as you DO NOT LIVE IN IT!

In my job I have had several people die in my care. I have had the eyes of certain death look to me for help. I have seen three generations of one family die in one instant. I have held the lifeless body of a baby in my arms. I have in my own way cried for them all. This is by no means the same as pulling the trigger of a weapon upon another human being and watching their lifeless body fall to the ground.

The essence of their being, whether they have died in battle or by the crash of a car, has rejoined the collective we know as the Force. In this knowledge we can take peace that they have joined with us through the Force to guide us to the path which takes no life.

Also remember that for everything there is an opposite. GOOD implies EVIL! One cannot be without the other. War implies peace and it is your time to make peace.

I'm afraid I can only reiterate what Phortis Nespin has already said. The past and the future should be acknowledged, but what truly matters is now.

And yes, with good comes evil, and with evil, good. Two sides to the same coin, really. With the wave comes the trough.

Not being a soldier, it's probably not my place to really talk about the morality of killing - after all, I can't relate, what do I know about that kind of thing? But what I can tell you is something I've come to understand by observing death, and probably dwelling upon it more than I really should. Even when one person, or a family, or an entire village, or even the entire human race dies, life will still go on. Even if the entire planet becomes barren and devoid of all life, it will still exist someplace in this vast universe. This is an almost certainty. It's arrogant to assume otherwise.

Of course life is precious - but it will still continue even with death. Death is only a part of it, after all. The trough between waves. From one creature's death comes the nutrients for another, whether it's a predator, a carrion eater, or plant life. And in some cases (just as an example, let's say a serial killer), the removal of one life can actually save many others.

I'm not saying it's the BEST outcome, it's still the loss of a life... but it is from this that life as an overall thing can continue.

(I hope I didn't screw up too much in explaining that...)

I feel individuals are only responsible for the types of decisions they make and the actual or reasonable expected results - joining the military probably transfers that responsibility to the chain of command and trained procedures...provided they adhere to those things. As a result, this tends to break the connection between a persons reasoning and action taking, which can undermine our natural sense of responsibility and ownership, and thus can conflict with a persons sense of self identity in such a way that when removed from a chain of command they might lack the trust in their own judgement and especially so if they take on the burden of responsibility which might more correctly be placed on their chain of command.

I see a big distinction between civil and military in this regard. So while that might read to some like I am saying servicemembers don’t have responsibility because they are being told what to do, its actually that on one hand it removes accountability for the decisions to some extent, but that void is filled up with greater responsibility to perform as required - and as such servicemembers generally view civilians as somewhat lazy and irresponsible (from my experience). This concept of service professionalism can lead to higher levels of self criticism and performance review. I find it hard though to talk about morality and decision making in a way which can encompass both a combative military context and a civilian peaceful context.

The physical dimension is bound by sacrifice and I think the simplest function would be to have the smallest amount of sacrifice to achieve the greatest amount of good - but to do the greatest amount of good means you need to do it for the greatest amount of time which adds a dimension of self preservation which needs to be measured against the cost it has to the original formula. Whilst we'd all probably like to live the most compassionate life I think its the responsibility of each of us to make our own lives the best firstly, our families secondly, are community thirdly, our nation, allies and then the world in that order as integral to the primary function. This order of precedence then empowers the individual to better achieve that primary function of achieving the most good with the smallest amount of sacrifice in physical terms. This then hopefully allows a greater enrichment to the Force and if the person is a Jedi it might allow them to have a deeply rich appreciation as to how the Force celebrates the good things in life.

I have a spiritual belief system which does dictate my behaviour and it elevates all life to an equivalency to me. For me this equivalency is founded on a metaphysical or superphysical force similar to the SW Force. I've seen and experienced it in a few different forms and it meets my sceptical testpoints enough to feel comfortable accepting it as a truth and put effort into understanding it. We all share a physical incarnation which is bound by physical laws but I view the Force as being free from those physical laws. I treat all life as sacred but the reality of the physical incarnation is decision making is required which will affect things outside my own body and mind. Everything in the physical dimension knows this, it is past and future and a painful present for some. I hope then understanding the scope of responsibility as outlined above might be of help or interest.

You're right WB, my answer is not what you're looking for but after a night of sleep, and after much deliberation I can not answer that. I can enumerate many quotes and philosophy, but what I really think about life changes from day to day, from minute to minute, from life to life. Because one's "life" as the term is so fickle and vague. How can you describe, "What you think about a day" or "how is the air". How should I describe what I really think about the sea or the mountain, describe terms that are so permanent and present millions of years, let alone human life?
When human life is extinguished I can only try to describe my feelings as sadness (because someone has died), but on the other hand joy (because the circle of life starts again). I feel empty (because there is no longer a part of my life) but than again fulfilled (a part of my life is there which I always like to remember). I feel the betrayal (because someone left me) and again thanks (for he was there when needed).

The closest expression would be:

Sometimes I feel life red, sometimes blue,
sometimes orange and sometimes indigo.
Yesterday was green, today is yellow, tomorrow will be violet.
Sometimes I feel to add just a little black and sometimes a little white.
And in those rare moments I’m emotionally fulfilled and elated,
I can think of life as a rainbow!

My dear sister, GM War Beauty, I can only speak of my own experience and philosophies and I can only begin to comprehend what you are feeling. So here are my thoughts; maybe they'll help, maybe not.

Firstly, it seems that you at least knew what you were getting into. I have known many people who have joined the armed forces and while most of them were quite eager to embrace every aspect of the job, there were some that seemed genuinely surprised when they were called to serve in a war situation. It's the same with people that complain about soldiers being killed. It's an unavoidable possibility - if you sign up to a profession that trains you to kill and then puts you in a life-threatening situation, you might well have to take a life or have yours taken from you.

The perspective determines how people are seen by others. A soldier that may have killed many enemies but is then blown up by a bomb is called a hero by their own country but to the families of those they killed, the term "murderer" is more appropriate. Is it honourable to take lives because you are ordered to? Do you believe enough in what you are fighting for, enough that it excuses those actions?

It's easy enough for a pacifist like me (honestly, I've never even hit anyone outside the dojo!) to state my own moral opinions without ever having to question them in such a direct way. What would I do if conscription was forced? Probably be a conscientious objector because I believe in peaceful means of conflict resolution. But if someone invaded my town and was threatening my friends and family? That's a different matter and I feel so much for you, that you had to live the consequences of your own choice.

I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter what other people think because you're the one that's going through it. To me, the biggest sign of your innate compassion is that you're even questioning this. You seem to have stepped away from that conditioned automaton and are truly feeling from the heart. No matter what you've done, you have now made the choice to do things differently. As you know, the concept of redemption is central to many world beliefs and forgiveness goes hand-in-hand.

If you feel remorse for what you have done, then find a way to make it better. Helping people in the way that you have describes is an amazing way to do that. One of the key phrases in the Japanese system of Reiki that I teach is "show compassion to yourself and to others". I would remind you of both aspects! Being kind to yourself for all your past decisions and things that you regret is one of the keys to forgiveness. It was what it was and now you are what you are. There is no more attachment that this, unless you put it there yourself.

I have studied and experienced journeys to the space where we are non-incarnate (sometimes called "Lives Between Lives") and it seems to confirm that our eternal spirit chooses the life that we lead in order to gain knowledge of the experiences that we have. So not only did you choose to do what you did, but you are expecting to learn from it. In that space, that Universal space, there are no judgements, no worries, only understanding. Perhaps that will give you comfort; I hope so.

If I could take you by the hand, look into your eyes, connect with your heart and tell you how much I love you for being you, then I would. I hope that you could do the same to yourself.

Because I can't be in that physical space, I will end with a quote from an amazing song that I discovered when researching for my last sermon:

"So follow the pathway that lies where you go
Look for the truth in the things that you know
Seek for Jah wisdom so high and so pure
Carry it with you through all you endure"

May you be at peace and the Force with you, my sister.