i almost said something to you when i read your post in the rants thread, but it was a rant and not an request for input
here you are specifically requesting input
this is based on my experience and there is no guarantee youre going to like it or be able to do it
but i am speaking from experience and also with your interest at heart
first, because of what you said in the other thread and what youre saying now i have to tell you that the relationship youre in is unhealthy
i dont need to know anything more than what youve already said to make this statement
youve communicated your feelings to this person and they treated the situation as if your feelings are not worthy of their respect
in your own words they told you that your feelings are your fault
theres only two ways this can play out
either you are placing a higher expectation on them than is fair or realistic
or
youre expectations are fair but they refuse to ackowledge that they are fair because they dont want to have to meet them
either way the relationship is a drain on your emotional stability and they are not going to change their behavior to meet your desires
my last girl friend was a drug addict who would give my stuff away to other dudes
like she told me one time her daughter was coming over and asked me to leave so they could visit and this other dude showed up.wearing one of my jackets
thats one example of one moment with one guy
she would bring dudes around that she was fooling with and introduce me to them as if they were just friends and then sit there and flaunt the situation
she did these things because it entertained her, and because it entertained them
the more i was miserable the more she would turn the knife and she would then tell me it was my own fault
in my wish to believe in love i kept thinking that if i just explained it she will realize what shes doing is no good
or if i just showed her i was better than these other dudes who only wanted sex and didnt care about her as a person then she would realize that i was offering something that should be valued and would last and that she would change how she treated me
on the one hand the problem wasnt me it was her
she would lie constantly
and i would know she was lying about what she was doing but then i would tell myself that she was being honest when she told me she loved me
i seriously could not belive that anyone would be so blatantly disrespectful and hurtful, i thought there must be something she doesnt understand
and eventually i attached my sense self to the idea of getting her to recognise my value as a person
but she was not interested in my definition of my value
her valuation of me was not anything to do what i held to be my value and so i dedicated myself to something impossible
so on the one hand the problem wasnt me it was her, but on the other hand the real problem was me
i was fixated on this idea of getting her to see that i am a person with value and worth
since this time ive done some research and ive come to the conclusion based on what ive read that she is a textbook case of a sociopath
she simply does not relate to other people as having feelings which should be acknowledged
that may not be your situation, but how ive come to get passed it still applies to you
so the first thing you have to understand is that this is entirely a matter of attention and attachment
youre attention is fixated on this person
and your attention is fixated on the idea of being treated a certain way by them
but you are not going to get what you want
it does not matter of your expectations are fair or not fair
by what you have said it is clear that they will not be met regardless of fair or unfair
also, your emotions have attached the idea of love with the idea of them
you had an idea of love before you met them
but they maybe filled the role that love is supposed to hold in life
so the idea of love has become associated with the idea of them
what comes next is that you have to get to the understanding that its not a person you want, its a treatment
its a relationship
a certain type of relationship
it the role of "love" being filled
the real truth is that the person is expendable
totally expendable!
its not a person youre looking for, its an experience!
this is the way its SUPPOSED to work;
hi, im rugadd
hi rugadd, im cool pretty girl
awesome! ok cool pretty girl, this is what i want from a relationship and this is what i have to offer
you can reasonably expect me to act this way and treat you this way and this is what i expect from you, generally speaking
we both get some margin for error because we're both human but the standards are applied equally and the number one rule is honesty
how does that sound?
that sounds great rugadd thats exactly what im looking for too!
cool, lets make out
cool!
blah blah blah and rose colored glasses
does it ever actually play out this way?
well im still looking lol
but when people are honest about their expectations of each other and honest about what expectations they are willing to live up to then it can
also that margin for error thing is important
sometimes things happen that really test a relationship
forgiveness can be tough
but the process is still basically the same
its about honesty and expectations
we feel hurt when our expectations arent met
im not even going to get in to the issue of what are reasonable and what are unreasonable expectations because thats not what you asked about
the idea is to be upfront and honest and realistic about expectations
also to be able to review and work together on whats happened and where to go next
if that breaks down its either an issue of expectations being higher than the reality or of honesty being lower than reality
sometimes expectations and feeling are so high that its difficult to be honest
again thats not what youve asked but its important to understand
this is getting too wordy lol
the challenge you have is this
first you have to reclaim your attention
take back all that attention energy you gave to the person
and give back all the energy they gave to you
meditate on this every time you feel that pang of hurt
give them back their energy and reclaim the power youve given to them
feel your power filling you up as you breathe it back in
its YOUR power; INTEND it back!
feel yourself drawing your power from them and it returning to you, filling in your space
breath out their power over you
breath out all the energy theyve given to you or directed at you
give it back to them, they can have it - you dont need it
its not yours and it isnt doing you any good
its holding you back
it doesnt have to be any special feeling really, just have the intention that youre reclaiming your own power and your own attention and that youre releasing the other persons
and as you do this ask yourself who it is most important for you to love?
"who is it most important for me to love right now?
who am i GOING to love right now?
who do i want to love first?
who do i want to love more?
(hint, in this particular case, the answer should be YOUlol)
because the old adage about loving yourself before.you can really love someone else is true
do this earnestly and constantly - youll be surprised
next you have to disengage the idea of love from the idea of this person
a connection has been made that doesnt actually work
fortunately its a connection youve made and therefore its a connection you can unmake or remake somewhere else
love is not a person and it is not even simply a feeling
it is totally ok to be totally selfish in love (before you freak out let me explain what i mean)
you cannot comfortably give the best of yourself when you see that youre being treated like garbage
there comes a point where you become ashamed and afraid of every kindness and every tenderness towards the other person
this is not love
it is hell
so understand that the person does not matter
its an agreement you want
you agree to this and they agree to that and furthermore if some this or some that turns out to be too much you agree to be open about whats going on and to find a mutually agreeable way to handle it and work through it together or if it just cant be worked out then to call it quits and move on with as little poison thrown at each other as possible
every well intentioned adult agrees that this is basically the way its supposed to work - the way it should in the best world play out
and theres nothing wrong with breaking it off and being the one to walk away
if you cant walk away from a relationship then youre basically agreeing to accept whatever terms are imposed upon you by whoever lets you stick around
and whoever takes you up on that deal is not going to treat you well at all
thats not the relationship you want
so now you need something else to focus on
its sometimes easier to get over someone by getting involved with someone else
the downfall of this is that when it does work its usually just a repeat of the previous pattern
the pattern stays exactly what it was before
the attachment stays
the fixation stays
they just switch over to the new person
the healthy way is to stay focused on staying focused on yourself
im willing to bet that in the experience of fixating on this person that you sort of lost touch with your own path
thats what usually happens
if thats the case then the absolute most important thing which you must do is to reclaim your path
or redefine your path so that you have a new updated version which is more in line to who you are now
but no matter what, youve got to put your focus back where it needs to be
this is where it needs to be;
ARE YOU DOING WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO BE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?
and if the answer is yes then the question is WHATS THE NEXT STEP?
if your answer has anything to do with some other person and most especially with some person treating you a certain way, then your answer is wrong lol
not to be rude about it but destiny as a force, is not romantic,
its between you and the universe
not you and a lover
there is a love destiny, ok
love is kind of the name of the game, in a real way
but love starts with living your own life in a way that fills you up
you have to fill yourself up so that you can give yourself out
thats what your life path is all about
and until youre moving towards THAT destiny, you wont be ready for the romantic love destiny
some people disagree, and thats ok
everyones got their own life
but if the answer to the above questions is "no" or "i dont know" then obviously thats the next step; finding something awesome to do with yourself and if youve already got the basic answer then now its time to figure out and recommit to the next step
if youd like some help figuring any of that out we can talk about it next
basically thats the task youve got on your plate
if what ive said is totally off base then i apologize
if it makes sense and youd like to talk more then we can talk here or you can PM me
no matter what i wish you the best and i can tell you that youll get through it in time
the hurt will hurt less eventually (and in my experience, the stuff i just said helps!)
People are complicated.
