ren wrote:
I lost count of how many marriages collapsed while I was in the navy
Funny how their recruitment folk will do everything to convince you you can have a very stable family life, yet every guy who's been in the unform more than a year you meet says otherwise... And don't even think about trying your luck with the female officers, commandment wants to keep them for themselves (but BS you that it's a matter of national security and whatnot)....
I can only speak from my experience. I've been in the military since 2001. I've been married since 2008. I've been a father since 2010. As a matter of fact, today is my oldest son's 4th birthday. I am deployed as I write this, but am lucky enough to be close to the internet on his special day. I saw him last over FaceTime, blonde hair tucked under one of my team hats, running around our back yard with half a dozen pals and climbing on his wooden jungle gym. My wife was calling after him and laughing because his little 1 year-old red-headed brother face-planted going head first down the slide. I look down at my iPad mini and realize I've got my own personal window into heaven. My wife and several of her friends are seated around a table on our back patio, sunglasses on and drinking lemonade. Every so often a mom will call out a warning to a wayward child, then get back to chatting. I'm not so much interested in what my wife is saying as I am her body language. I can read her like a book.
One thing you have to understand about her is that she is very expressive in her body language and has been since she was a child - she's hearing impaired. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves...my wife wears everything. I can tell she's relieved to see me safe, thrilled that I could FaceTime today, and more than a little tired. Two boys and a 7-month pregnancy are tough on a woman during a deployment. I talk with my son for the entirety of his fifteen-second attention span. I wish him a happy birthday, ask him if he is having fun, and tell him I love him. He shows me the team hat he is wearing, cinched down for a child's head and says "See dad? I'm wearing a hat like you. Bye!" I wish I had more time with him, but he is already back in the mix. He is excited because he got his first pedal bike a few days ago, and transitioned from balance bike to pedal in about thirty minutes time. My wife sent me the video of him riding for the first time. I have watched it about a dozen times already. She rolls her eyes, shakes her head and asks after me. I shrug, tell her I'm a little tired and missing them today. She nods, watching my lips move and my body language. She smiles for me and tells me everything is good on their end - my younger son's bottom molar finally came in and he's sleeping well...the birthday boy already crashed his bike and skinned an elbow...our husky was back up to old tricks and escaped the yard earlier... She talks and signs because she doesn't ask about my day, she only asks how *I* am. We pass unspoken assurances to one another throughout the exchange, reading one another and spending intimate moments in common presence while the world tilts around us for a brief time. That is one of the plus things about my wife's impairment: When she looks at you, you are her world as long as you hold her eyes. I hear crying through the tablet and she looks over the top of the camera. The moment is over. She glances back, we exchange I-love-yous, and she holds her pinky, thumb and pointer fingers up in the sign for "I love you." I do the same and the picture freezes then disappears.
We have had countless similar exchanges - some longer, some shorter over the years. Like any relationship, we have our ups and downs. Mistakes, regrets, miscommunications. I would say that life in the military is apt to magnify things - the good and the bad. Weathering the absence, the uncertainty, and the fear takes quite a rare strength. It is not a job...it is a calling and a way of life. I signed up for this...she did not. But I guess she signed up for me, knowing she had no idea what she was in for and taking that leap into the unknown on good faith. If you ask either of us about our family life, we would agree that it is stable. Are we more the exception than the rule? Maybe. 13 years of continual deployments will fatigue ANY institution. But there are plenty of happy, healthy families out there. It takes work on everyone's part - including the children's - but it is something we all cherish. I could do many things in many walks of life, and some day it may be time to start a new adventure. For now, though, if I did anything else I would be less the man, father, and husband my family deserves. I am not saying anything is perfect, because it is not. Not by any definition of the word. I understand that failure is always a possibility somewhere on the horizon, and I can never take what I have for granted. Any success outside the home will never make up for failure within it. Perhaps we ARE more the exception, but then again turmoil is always loud - just like with people. Insecurities are loud and confidence is quiet. A collapsing relationship may be more public than those quiet couples who consistently work on the mundane commitments of everyday life together.
As for female officers, they run the spectrum of leadership just like men do. Some are shoulder to shoulder among the best officers I've ever seen. No one keeps them for anything.
